* Check your Dirty IQ *

Questions...
1. When I go in, I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I ?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I ?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I ?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I ?
5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I ?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. What am I ?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I ?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I ?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I ?
10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I ?

Answers:
1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4.chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course !

Now Really !!! Just what were you thinking ?



Animated GIFs

* 60 Things Not to Say *

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you ?
4. Why don't we just cuddle ?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that ?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim ?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it ?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you ?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies ?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow ?
29. Every heard of clearasil ?
30. All right, a treasure hunt !
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you ?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this ?
36. But it still works, right ?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids ?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes ?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt ?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold ?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion ?
49. What is that ?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered ?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump ?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings ?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button ?
60. Where's the rest of it ?

* Bad Doctor *

A beautfiul woman walks into a doctors office and the doctor is awestruck. All his professionalism goes out the window.
He tells her to take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs.
He says "Do you know what I am doing ?"
She replies "Yes, checking for abnormalities".
He tells her to take off her shrit and bra and he starts rubbing her breats. He says "Do you know what I am doing now ?"
She replies "Yes, checking for lumps and cancer".
Finally, he tells he takes off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her, and starts having sex with her. He says "Do you know what I am doing now ?"
She replies "Yes, getting herpies. That's why I am here"…

* Life in reverse *

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough.
It takes up a lot of your time and what do you get at the end of it ?
A death.
What's that, a bonus ?
I think the life cycle is all backward.
You should die first, get it out of the way.
Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm.

* Occupational Hazard *

Three men are on a road trip when they pull over to stay at a hotel that they see. They go in and see the lady who apparently runs the joint and they ask her for a vacant room.
She replied, "Sure, but only if you DON'T go into the basement !".
The men agree and she gives them a room.
That night, the men are so curious that they sneak into the basement... only to find that it's full of chopped off dicks !! The woman that runs the places sees them and says, "Okay, now I'm going to have to add you all to my collection".
She asks the first man, "What does YOUR father do for a living ?" and he says "Well, my dad is in the lawnmoving business".
So the woman finds a lawnmover and off goes his dick.
The woman asks the second man, "What does YOUR father do for a living ?" and he replies in tears "My dad is in the tool supply industry".
So she finds a saw and off does his dick.
The woman then turns to the third guy only to see that he is laughing hysterically ! "Why the hell are you laughing ?!? Don't you know what's going to happen to you !?!"
He smiles and says, "Yeah, my dad is in the lollipop business - you're gonna hafta suck mine off !"…

* Dad and Son on a road *

This guy was taking his son on a roadtrip... and the man pulls out a bottle of beer. The son looking so amazed goes "Dad can i have one ?"
The man replies "Can your dick touch ur ass ?"
The son says "No" the dad replies "Then your not old enough". A few miles later the dad pulls out a ciggarette. The son says "Dad can i have a drag". The dad goes " Can your dick touch your ass ?"
The son replies once more "No"... The dad then stops off at a gas station noticing that his son isn’t having too much fun and buys him a lottery ticket... Turns out the lottery ticket was a winning one… The dad then goes to the son "Hey how bout u share some of that with ur old man". The son then replies "Can your dick touch ur ass ?" and the dad in excitement bursts out screaming "Yes Yes Yes !" and the son replies....
"Good... go fuck yourself then..."

* Construction Workers *

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor.
He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. The man on the 3rd floor does sign language.
He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.
The man on the 1st floor knods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says, "What the fuck is wrong with you dumbass ? I said I need handsaw !!"
The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming".

* Italian honeymoon *

Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin and very inexperienced around men.
So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her.
'Don't worry Maria', says the mother. 'Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you'.
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
- 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest'.
- 'Don't worry, Maria', says his mother. 'All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you'.
So up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.
Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
- 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs'.
- 'Don't worry Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you'.
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing the better part of three toes.
When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.
- 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot-and-a-half'.
- 'Stay here and stir the pasta,' says the mother. 'This is a job for Mama !'

* Don't kiss girls *

There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing.
They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives.
However, one day he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his mother and asked her what they were doing.
His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will die that very minute !"
On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town.
She knew that he had never been kissed before. When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted.
She asked him, "What are you afraid of, it won't hurt".
He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very minute !!"
She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me". With that she gave him a hot one square across the lips.
He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die !!!"
She said, "Why are you going to die ?"
He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to get stiff !"

Mr. Bean

Animated GIFs

* Face lift *

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result.
On his way home hes stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am ?"
"About 35", was the reply. "I’m actually 47", the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I’d guess you’re 29 ?"
"Nope, I am actually 47". He’s starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question, She replies "I am 85 years old and my eyesignt is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age".
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady saus, "OK, it’s done. You are 47".
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant ! How did you do that ?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds".

* Bigger it gets *

One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had written the word 'PENIS' in tiny letters. She turned around and scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it and began class.
The next day, she went into the room, she noticed in large letters the word 'PENIS' again, this time written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board. Each day the word was written larger than the previous day. Finally one day she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead she found the words:
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets".

* Lost old man *

When I went to lunch today, I noticed this elderly man about 75 to 80 years old sitting on a bench near the shopping centre sobbing his eyes out.
I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said, 'I have a 22year-old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly brewed coffee'.
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying ?'
He said, 'She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon'.
I asked again, 'So why are you crying ?'
He continued, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until midnight'.
I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying ?'
He answered, 'I can't remember where I live'.

* Pickle slicer *

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill declined saying that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
- 'What's wrong, Bill ?' she asked.
Bill said, 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer ?'
- 'Oh Bill, you didn't,' she said.
- 'Yes, I did', said Bill.
- 'My God, Bill, what happened ?'
- 'I got fired'.
- 'No, Bill, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer ?'
- 'Oh, she got fired too'.

* Bungee jumping *

What do bungee jumping and sex with a prostitute have in common ?
They both cost about $100.
They both last about 30 seconds.
And in both cases, if the rubber breaks, you're a dead man.

* Daddys home *

Saturday morning and Bob's just about to tee off for a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming round at noon.
So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
'Hello', says a little girl's voice.
'Hi, honey, it's Daddy', says Bob. 'Is Mummy near the phone ?'
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank'.
After a brief pause, Bob says,
'But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey'.
'Yes I do and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy'.
'Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put the phone down, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house'.
'Okay, Daddy'.
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
'Well I did what you said, Daddy'.
'And what happened ?'
'Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran round and round screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell out the front window and now I think she's all dead'.
'Oh my God... and what about Uncle Frank ?'
'He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too'.
There is a long pause, then Bob says,
'Swimming pool. . . what swimming pool ? Is this 555-*** .... ?'

* Sunday quickie *

Bill and Marla decided the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he said. "An ambulance just drove by". A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company", he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making love".
Mom and Dad bolted upright in bed. "How do you know that ?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony, too", his son replied.

* Jinx *

After thirty-five years of marriage, Bernie is lying on his deathbed and with a tear in his eye he says "Annabel before I die I have to tell you something".
She replies "Yes, yes dear anything what is it ?"
He starts, "The first year we were together, I caught pneumonia and almost died. You sat by my bed and nursed me back to health".
To which the wife nods her head and he continues, "When I lost half my family in the terrible car crash, it was you by my side who kept me going.
When our kids grew up and ran away from home, you sat with me and comforted me ! And when I lost everything last year in the fire at the store, you were right by my side the whole time.
Annabel You've been through everything with me". Bernie says, "So before I die I just want you to know, you're a f*cking jinx !"

* Paint my house *

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition".
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words".
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house".

* Putting out the cat *

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening.
They turned on a night light, turned on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty.
She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother".
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long", he says, as they drive away.
"Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out ! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard !"
The cabdriver veered off the road and hit a parked car.