* Kittens *

A little boy was walking down the street pulling a wagon with a new litter of kittens in it.
Bill Clinton approached him and said "What cute little kittens you have there, young man. What kind are they ?"
The little boy said, "They're Democrats". Bill Clinton said, "Oh, how nice" and moved on.
A week are so later, the little boy is again pulling the kittens down the street.
Bill Clinton and George Bush are walking together and approach the little boy.
George Bush said, "Those are some cute kittens. What kind are they ?" The little boy said, "They're Republicans".
Bill Clinton said, "Now, wait just a minute ! Last time I saw you with those same kittens, you told me they were Democrats".
The little boy smiled and replied, "Yes Sir, but they have their eyes open now"…

* Beer brewers *

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona".
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser". The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors". He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke".
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness ?"
The Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I".

* Computer doctor *

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor".
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00".
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better....

* Finally fertile *

While the bar patron savoured a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him.
The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating".
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating ?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child", she answered, "Today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant !"
"Congratulations", the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile".
"How did it happen ?"
"I switched cocks".
"What a coincidence", she said, smiling.

* Trip to Rome *

A New York woman was at her East Side hairdresser's getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser who responded, "Why would anyone want to go to Rome ? It's crowded and dirty and, worse yet, full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome".
"So how are you getting there ?"
"We're flying Continental", was the reply. "We got a good rate".
"Continental", exclaimed the hairdresser, "that's a terrible airline. Their planes are old. Their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late".
"So, where are you staying in Rome ?", asked the hairdresser.
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left side called Teste...."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive but it's really a dump - the worst hotel in the whole city ! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're way overpriced".
"So, whatcha doing when you get there ?", quizzed the hairdresser.
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we are hoping to see the Pope".
"That's rich", laughed the hairdresser, "you and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're sure going to need it".
A month later, the woman, all smiling, came in for her hair appointment. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was absolutely wonderful", explained the woman, "not only did we arrive on time in one of Continental's brand new jets but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28-year old steward who waited on me hand and foot".
"And the hotel - it was fabulous ! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's just a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge".
"Well,… muttered the hairdresser, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope".
"Actually, we were quite lucky because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me".
"Sure enough, five minutes later, the Holy Father walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me".
"Really ?" asked the hairdresser, "What'd he say ?"
He said, "Where did you get that crappy hairdo ?"

* Time *

Spending too much time on the computer ?
Here are some commom indicators:
1. You accidentally enter your computer password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get ''long-service to the company'' awards.
AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE...
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your friends.
15. You got this e-mail from a friend who never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No. 9.
18. AND NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING at yourself.
Finally:
19. You've read this before.

* Comedian *

Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question and if you get it right you don't have to go to school on Monday.
The first Friday the question was, "How many gallons of water is there in the whole world ?"
No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday.
Next Friday, the question was, "How many grains of sand is there in the whole world ?"
No one knew so they had to go to school on Monday.
By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn't want to go to school on Monday.
So he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the two black ping-pong balls up to her.
She said, "Who is the comedian with two black balls ?"
Little Johnny said, "Bill Cosby, see you on Tuesday"…

* Xmas angel *

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa ?"
And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

* Portland Fair *

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine.
Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said:
- "Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane".
And every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs".
So Stumpy says "By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old. If I don't go this time I may nevah go".
Martha replies "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs".
So the pilot overhears them and says "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars".
They agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.
He does it one more time, still nothing. So he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't".
And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out, but ten dollahs is ten dollahs !"

* Blind pilot *

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle.
The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off !"

* Cattle show *

A man takes his wife to the cattle stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls.
They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year".
The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him".
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year".
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also".
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year".
The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW ! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY !!! You could really learn from this one".
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if it was 365 times with the same cow"...