Friday, August 31, 2007
* The sponge *
One day a little boy walked in on his mother in the shower. The boy pointed to his mother's pussy and said "What’s that mommy ?".
The mother not wanting to explain the facts of life to the boy said "that’s my sponge" the boy satisfied with the answer went out.
A few days later the boy again walked in on his mother in the shower. The night before the mother had shaved completely.
The boy noticing the difference asked the mother "where is your sponge ?".
The mother said she lost it and the boy satisfied went outside again…
All of a sudden the boy ran back in. "Mommy, mommy I found your sponge ! I was looking in Mrs.Jones back window and I saw Mrs Jones washing daddy's face with it !"
The mother not wanting to explain the facts of life to the boy said "that’s my sponge" the boy satisfied with the answer went out.
A few days later the boy again walked in on his mother in the shower. The night before the mother had shaved completely.
The boy noticing the difference asked the mother "where is your sponge ?".
The mother said she lost it and the boy satisfied went outside again…
All of a sudden the boy ran back in. "Mommy, mommy I found your sponge ! I was looking in Mrs.Jones back window and I saw Mrs Jones washing daddy's face with it !"
* Sex lives *
Four women are sitting around after a card party. They start complaining about their sex lives.
The first woman moans, "My husband is a musician. All he wants to do is sing to it".
The second woman moans, "My husband is a doctor. All he wants to do is examine it".
The third woman moans, "My husband is a psychiatrist. All he wants to do is talk about it".
A big grin on her face, the fourth woman says, "My husband's a mechanic. On our wedding night he tore hell out of it, and he has been working on it ever since".
The first woman moans, "My husband is a musician. All he wants to do is sing to it".
The second woman moans, "My husband is a doctor. All he wants to do is examine it".
The third woman moans, "My husband is a psychiatrist. All he wants to do is talk about it".
A big grin on her face, the fourth woman says, "My husband's a mechanic. On our wedding night he tore hell out of it, and he has been working on it ever since".
* Sex addict *
This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me, I just can't stop having sex !"
"Well how often do you have it ?" the doctor asks ?
"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife"
"TWICE a day", he answers back. "That's not so much", says the doctor.
"Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary".
"TWICE a day !!! Well that is probably a bit excessive", says the doctor.
"Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute".
"Well, that's definitely too much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand".
"I do", says the man. "Twice a day"…
"Well how often do you have it ?" the doctor asks ?
"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife"
"TWICE a day", he answers back. "That's not so much", says the doctor.
"Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary".
"TWICE a day !!! Well that is probably a bit excessive", says the doctor.
"Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute".
"Well, that's definitely too much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand".
"I do", says the man. "Twice a day"…
* Business *
A man goes into a shop and starts looking around. He sees a washer & dryer but there is no price listed on them.
He asks a salesman who says, "Five pounds for both of them".
"Yeah right, you've got to be joking !" the man says.
"No, that's the price", the salesman says, "Do you want to buy them or not ?"
"Yeah, I'll take them", the man says. He continues to look around and sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers.
"How much ?" he asks.
"Five pounds for the system, including installation" the salesman says.
"Is it stolen ?" the man asks incredulously.
"No", says the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not ?"
"Certainly", the man says. He looks around some more.
As the salesman is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, "Why are your prices so cheap ?"
The salesman says, "Well, the owner of the shop is at my house right now with my wife, and what he's doing to her,... I'm doing to his business !"….
He asks a salesman who says, "Five pounds for both of them".
"Yeah right, you've got to be joking !" the man says.
"No, that's the price", the salesman says, "Do you want to buy them or not ?"
"Yeah, I'll take them", the man says. He continues to look around and sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers.
"How much ?" he asks.
"Five pounds for the system, including installation" the salesman says.
"Is it stolen ?" the man asks incredulously.
"No", says the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not ?"
"Certainly", the man says. He looks around some more.
As the salesman is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, "Why are your prices so cheap ?"
The salesman says, "Well, the owner of the shop is at my house right now with my wife, and what he's doing to her,... I'm doing to his business !"….
* Prisoner *
The bride tells her husband,… "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first ?"
"OK, Sweetheart, putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'.
So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles,… "Honey, the prisoner seems to have escaped".
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him"…
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes.
But the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again !"…
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again"…
Limply turning his head, He yells at her, "Hey, it's not life imprisonment !"
"OK, Sweetheart, putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'.
So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles,… "Honey, the prisoner seems to have escaped".
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him"…
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes.
But the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again !"…
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again"…
Limply turning his head, He yells at her, "Hey, it's not life imprisonment !"
* Sexual harassment *
A man walks up to a woman in his office and says her hair smells nice.
The woman immediately goes to her supervisor and tells him she wants to file a sexual harassment suit.
Puzzled, the supervisor asks, "What’s wrong with your co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice ?"
The woman replies, "He’s a midget"…
The woman immediately goes to her supervisor and tells him she wants to file a sexual harassment suit.
Puzzled, the supervisor asks, "What’s wrong with your co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice ?"
The woman replies, "He’s a midget"…
* Making cakes *
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing ?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm… they are making cakes".
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex.
Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes".
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh ?"…
Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know ?"
The little girl says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa"…
The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing ?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm… they are making cakes".
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex.
Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes".
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh ?"…
Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know ?"
The little girl says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa"…
* The Naked Model *
Doris & Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their 2 up 2 down terrace house.
After a few days a young attractive woman applies for the room and explains that she is a model working in a nearby city centre studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room for Mondays to Thursdays but would pay for the whole week.
Doris shows her the house and they agree to start straight away. "There's just one problem" explains the model "because of my job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath ?"
"That's not a problem" replies Doris "we have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water".
"What about your husband ?" asks the model.
"Oh he plays darts most weekdays - so he will be out in the evenings", replies Doris.
"Good" says the model "that being settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight".
That evening Fred dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Doris prepares the bath for the model. After stripping off the model steps into the bath and Doris is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair. The model notices Doris's staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of her job to shave her pussy especially when modelling swim wear or underclothes.
Later when Fred returns, Doris relates this oddity and he does not believe her.
"It's true I tell you" says Doris "look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself".
The next night Fred leaves as usual and Doris prepares the bath for the model. As the model steps naked into the bath - Doris, standing behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model's naked pussy. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties, points to her own hairy mass.
Later Fed returns and they retire to bed.
"Well do you believe me now ?" she asks Fred. "Yes", he replies "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show your hairy twat ?"
"Just to show you the difference" answers Doris "but anyway you've seen my pussy millions of times ?"
"Yes", says Fred "I have... but the rest of the darts team haven't"…
After a few days a young attractive woman applies for the room and explains that she is a model working in a nearby city centre studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room for Mondays to Thursdays but would pay for the whole week.
Doris shows her the house and they agree to start straight away. "There's just one problem" explains the model "because of my job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath ?"
"That's not a problem" replies Doris "we have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water".
"What about your husband ?" asks the model.
"Oh he plays darts most weekdays - so he will be out in the evenings", replies Doris.
"Good" says the model "that being settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight".
That evening Fred dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Doris prepares the bath for the model. After stripping off the model steps into the bath and Doris is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair. The model notices Doris's staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of her job to shave her pussy especially when modelling swim wear or underclothes.
Later when Fred returns, Doris relates this oddity and he does not believe her.
"It's true I tell you" says Doris "look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself".
The next night Fred leaves as usual and Doris prepares the bath for the model. As the model steps naked into the bath - Doris, standing behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model's naked pussy. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties, points to her own hairy mass.
Later Fed returns and they retire to bed.
"Well do you believe me now ?" she asks Fred. "Yes", he replies "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show your hairy twat ?"
"Just to show you the difference" answers Doris "but anyway you've seen my pussy millions of times ?"
"Yes", says Fred "I have... but the rest of the darts team haven't"…
* Sexual Protection *
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to love him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.
The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for ?"
The elderly gentleman replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber !"…
The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for ?"
The elderly gentleman replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber !"…
* Hair in soup *
A man goes into a greasy spoon restaurant and orders a bowl of chicken soup.
"What's this ?" he screams ! "There's a pussy hair in my soup ! I'm not paying for it !" and he storms out...
The waitress gets very upset at this and follows him out and sees him go to the whore house across the street. He pays the madam and retires to a room with a lovely blonde and goes down on her with gusto.
The waitress bursts in and says, "You complain about a hair in your soup and then come over here and do THIS !" the waitress yells.
He lifts his head, turns to her and says, "Yeah... and if I find a noodle in here, I ain't paying for it EITHER !!!!!"
"What's this ?" he screams ! "There's a pussy hair in my soup ! I'm not paying for it !" and he storms out...
The waitress gets very upset at this and follows him out and sees him go to the whore house across the street. He pays the madam and retires to a room with a lovely blonde and goes down on her with gusto.
The waitress bursts in and says, "You complain about a hair in your soup and then come over here and do THIS !" the waitress yells.
He lifts his head, turns to her and says, "Yeah... and if I find a noodle in here, I ain't paying for it EITHER !!!!!"
* Perfect day *
For HER
08:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
08:30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday.
08:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.
09:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe.
12:45 Catch sight of husband's/boyfriend's ex and notice that she has gained 7 kg.
13:00 Shopping with friends. Unlimited credit.
15:00 Nap.
16:00 3 dozen red roses delivered by florist from a secret admirer.
16:15 Light workout at club followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says that he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
17:30 Choose outfit from expensive, designer wardrobe. Parade in front of full length mirror.
19:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
22:00 Hot shower (alone)
22:50 Carried to bed. Freshly ironed, crisp, new white linen.
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
23:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.
-------------------------
For HIM
06:00 Alarm
06:15 Blow job
06:30 Massive, satisfying dump whilst reading the sports pages.
07:00 Breakfast. Rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast - all cooked by naked buxom wench.
07:30 Limo arrives.
07:45 Several whiskeys en-route to airport.
09:15 Flight in personal Lear jet.
09:30 Limo to St. Andrew' s golf club (blow job en-route)
09:45 Play front nine (2 under)
11:45 Lunch. Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon.
12:15 Blow job.
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
14:15 Limo back to airport (several whiskeys)
14:30 Fly to Monte Carlo
15:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew (all nude)
16:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lb) on light tackle.
17:00 Fly home. Massage and hand job by Elle McPherson.
18:45 Shit, shower and shave.
19:00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; marijuana and porn legalised.
19:45 Dinner. Lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953); big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits.
21:00 Napoleon brandy and Cohiba cigar in front of wall-sized TV showing International Match of the Day: England 11: Germany 0.
22:45 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies).
23:30 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale.
00:15 Night cap blow job.
00:30 In bed alone.
00:35 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room.
08:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
08:30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday.
08:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.
09:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe.
12:45 Catch sight of husband's/boyfriend's ex and notice that she has gained 7 kg.
13:00 Shopping with friends. Unlimited credit.
15:00 Nap.
16:00 3 dozen red roses delivered by florist from a secret admirer.
16:15 Light workout at club followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says that he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
17:30 Choose outfit from expensive, designer wardrobe. Parade in front of full length mirror.
19:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
22:00 Hot shower (alone)
22:50 Carried to bed. Freshly ironed, crisp, new white linen.
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
23:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.
-------------------------
For HIM
06:00 Alarm
06:15 Blow job
06:30 Massive, satisfying dump whilst reading the sports pages.
07:00 Breakfast. Rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast - all cooked by naked buxom wench.
07:30 Limo arrives.
07:45 Several whiskeys en-route to airport.
09:15 Flight in personal Lear jet.
09:30 Limo to St. Andrew' s golf club (blow job en-route)
09:45 Play front nine (2 under)
11:45 Lunch. Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon.
12:15 Blow job.
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
14:15 Limo back to airport (several whiskeys)
14:30 Fly to Monte Carlo
15:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew (all nude)
16:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lb) on light tackle.
17:00 Fly home. Massage and hand job by Elle McPherson.
18:45 Shit, shower and shave.
19:00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; marijuana and porn legalised.
19:45 Dinner. Lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953); big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits.
21:00 Napoleon brandy and Cohiba cigar in front of wall-sized TV showing International Match of the Day: England 11: Germany 0.
22:45 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies).
23:30 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale.
00:15 Night cap blow job.
00:30 In bed alone.
00:35 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room.
* Existentialist *
The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: "Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre ?"
Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".
Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working.
A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream... how about with no milk ?"
Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".
Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working.
A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream... how about with no milk ?"
* She's beautiful *
This guy, about 40, walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then he pulls out a picture of a beautiful girl, about 20. He orders drink after drink after drink. Finally, the bartender asks why he's getting drunk
"I have to come home to this !" the guy says, pointing to the picture of the beautiful girl.
"What's wrong with her ?" asks the bartender. "She's beautiful and half your age !"
"Exactly. That's my daughter"…
"I have to come home to this !" the guy says, pointing to the picture of the beautiful girl.
"What's wrong with her ?" asks the bartender. "She's beautiful and half your age !"
"Exactly. That's my daughter"…
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