A guy comes to his friend and finds him beating his dick with a hammer.
- What are you doing ?
- I'm masturbating.
- Masturbating with a hammer!? Are you enjoying it at all ?
- Yes, each time I miss it.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
* Men belly *
A bachelor has no belly because when he opens a fridge he says:
- "Fuck it, the same again !" and then goes to the bed.
Married man has belly because when he comes to the bad he says:
- "Fuck it, the same again !" and then goes and opens the fridge.
- "Fuck it, the same again !" and then goes to the bed.
Married man has belly because when he comes to the bad he says:
- "Fuck it, the same again !" and then goes and opens the fridge.
* The aspirin *
Two girls:
- Which is the best contraceptive ?
- An aspirin.
- ???
- Take an aspirin, put it between the knees and keep it tight.
- Which is the best contraceptive ?
- An aspirin.
- ???
- Take an aspirin, put it between the knees and keep it tight.
* Halloween Party *
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said:
- Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.
- Did you dance much ?
- I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said:
- Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.
- Did you dance much ?
- I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."
* A masculine or a feminine noun ?!? *
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
- "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa". "Pencil", however, is masculine: "el lápiz".
A student asked what gender is 'computer' ? Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and…
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and…
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
- "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa". "Pencil", however, is masculine: "el lápiz".
A student asked what gender is 'computer' ? Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and…
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and…
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
* Blackmailed... *
A woman and her lover are in the house while the husband is at work. Her nine year old son comes in, and after seeing them making love he hides in the wardrobe and watches them. All of a sudden the husband comes. Wife hides her lover in the wardrobe, without knowing that her son is in there. Boy:
- It's dark here.
- Yes it is.
- I've got a soccer ball.
- That's nice.
- Do you want to buy it ?
- No, thanks.
- My dad is outside.
- Ok, how much ?
- 250 dollars.
After a few weeks man and boy run into each other again in the wardrobe. Boy:
- It's dark here.
- Yes it is.
- I've got a soccer cleats.
Remembering what happened last time, man asks:
- How much ?
- 750 dollars.
- Ok.
After few days, father says to his son:
- Lets go and play soccer.
- I can't, I sold the ball and the cleats.
- How much did you get ?
- 1000 dollars.
- That is terrible, how could you ask so much money.... that's much more than they are worth. That's a sin, so you should go to the church and confess.
Father takes his son to the church confessional. Boy gets in, closes the door and says:
- It's dark here.
Priest:
- Don't start with that shit again !!!...
- It's dark here.
- Yes it is.
- I've got a soccer ball.
- That's nice.
- Do you want to buy it ?
- No, thanks.
- My dad is outside.
- Ok, how much ?
- 250 dollars.
After a few weeks man and boy run into each other again in the wardrobe. Boy:
- It's dark here.
- Yes it is.
- I've got a soccer cleats.
Remembering what happened last time, man asks:
- How much ?
- 750 dollars.
- Ok.
After few days, father says to his son:
- Lets go and play soccer.
- I can't, I sold the ball and the cleats.
- How much did you get ?
- 1000 dollars.
- That is terrible, how could you ask so much money.... that's much more than they are worth. That's a sin, so you should go to the church and confess.
Father takes his son to the church confessional. Boy gets in, closes the door and says:
- It's dark here.
Priest:
- Don't start with that shit again !!!...
* The soup *
In a restaurant, a man ordered soup but, as soon as it arrived, he had to go to the bathroom. To make sure that nobody touched his soup while he is away, he wrote on a napkin: "I SPIT IN THE SOUP".
When he returned, he found another message on napkin: "ME, TOO".
When he returned, he found another message on napkin: "ME, TOO".
* The quartet *
Two friends:
- I heard that you have made a band.
- Yes, it's a quartet.
- How many of you are there ?
- There are three.
- Three ?
- Me and my brother.
- You have a brother ?
- No, why do you ask ?
- I heard that you have made a band.
- Yes, it's a quartet.
- How many of you are there ?
- There are three.
- Three ?
- Me and my brother.
- You have a brother ?
- No, why do you ask ?
* Chasing elephants *
A man is driving on a city bus with a newspaper on his knee. From time to time, he rips a piece off, ripping that piece into smaller ones and throwing them out the window. A passenger standing near him asks:
- Excuse me, why are you throwing pieces of paper out the window ?
- I’m chasing away the elephants
- Chasing elephants ? There aren’t elephants in the city.
- Well that means it's working !
- Excuse me, why are you throwing pieces of paper out the window ?
- I’m chasing away the elephants
- Chasing elephants ? There aren’t elephants in the city.
- Well that means it's working !
* Policeman wife *
A policeman sent his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife.
- No darling, we can’t do it here, our kid is watching us.
- You are right, lets go to the beach.
After a while, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks in on them.
- Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can’t do that in public.
- You are right - said the husband - but I had a moment of weakness. We didn’t see each other for a week. By the way, I am a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me.
- Don’t worry, you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay for it.
- No darling, we can’t do it here, our kid is watching us.
- You are right, lets go to the beach.
After a while, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks in on them.
- Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can’t do that in public.
- You are right - said the husband - but I had a moment of weakness. We didn’t see each other for a week. By the way, I am a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me.
- Don’t worry, you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay for it.
* Police car directionals *
Two policemen are in a patrol car:
- Could you check if the directionals work on your side of the car ?
The other policeman looks through the window and says:
- Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no...
- Could you check if the directionals work on your side of the car ?
The other policeman looks through the window and says:
- Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no...
* Policeman shoes *
A policeman comes to the office with one black shoe and one white shoe. His boss starts to yell at him:
- You are ruining police reputation, go home and change the shoes.
The policeman goes home, and comes back after a while.
- Boss I have a problem, the other pair of shoes at home are black and white, too.
- You are ruining police reputation, go home and change the shoes.
The policeman goes home, and comes back after a while.
- Boss I have a problem, the other pair of shoes at home are black and white, too.
* Policemen in action *
Two policemen are going to work:
- Shall we take a bus or walk ?
- Well, lets see what arrives first.
- Shall we take a bus or walk ?
- Well, lets see what arrives first.
* Pinocchio *
Pinocchio talks to Gepetto:
- Daddy my dick is all jagged and crooked so I have no success with girls.
- You know, my son, I didn’t care too much about that detail, but that should not be a problem. Go to the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it.
After some time, Gepetto asks Pinocchio:
- Well, did you resolve the problem with the girls ?
- Daddy, since I got the sandpaper who needs the girls anymore.
- Daddy my dick is all jagged and crooked so I have no success with girls.
- You know, my son, I didn’t care too much about that detail, but that should not be a problem. Go to the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it.
After some time, Gepetto asks Pinocchio:
- Well, did you resolve the problem with the girls ?
- Daddy, since I got the sandpaper who needs the girls anymore.
* Emergency call *
One man calls emergency:
- Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom !
After five minutes, the same man calls back:
- It is OK, I found another one.
- Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom !
After five minutes, the same man calls back:
- It is OK, I found another one.
* Child questions *
A little boy asked his mother:
- Mummy, why are you white and I am black ?
- Don’t even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don’t bark.
- Mummy, why are you white and I am black ?
- Don’t even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don’t bark.
* Group sex *
Two friends:
- Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come ?
- Of course ! How many people are coming ?
- Three, if you bring your girlfriend.
- Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come ?
- Of course ! How many people are coming ?
- Three, if you bring your girlfriend.
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