A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions", he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy".
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny".
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go"….
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
* African Roulette *
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador.
For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette".
"One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger".
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay.
Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette".
So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part ? Where's the danger ?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:
"One of them's a cannibal"….
For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette".
"One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger".
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay.
Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette".
So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part ? Where's the danger ?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:
"One of them's a cannibal"….
* Mental asylum *
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what is the criterion which defines a patient to be institutionalised.
"Well" said the Director "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him/her to empty the bathtub".
OK, here's your test:
1. Would you use the teaspoon ?
2. Would you use the teacup ?
3. Would you use the bucket ?
"Oh, I understand" said the visitor "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or teacup".
"No" said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug ! Do you want a room with or without a view ?"
"Well" said the Director "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him/her to empty the bathtub".
OK, here's your test:
1. Would you use the teaspoon ?
2. Would you use the teacup ?
3. Would you use the bucket ?
"Oh, I understand" said the visitor "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or teacup".
"No" said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug ! Do you want a room with or without a view ?"
* Black magic *
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life !"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket.
After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid ? ...Concerned ? ...Worried ? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life ?
The wife put down her drink and said... "Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down !"
A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life !"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket.
After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid ? ...Concerned ? ...Worried ? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life ?
The wife put down her drink and said... "Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down !"
* College dance *
At a local college, there was a dance. A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.
While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sweden, we call it a hug too".
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sweden, we call it a kiss too".
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".
She says, "Yaaah in Sweden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it"…
While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sweden, we call it a hug too".
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sweden, we call it a kiss too".
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".
She says, "Yaaah in Sweden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it"…
* As wide as *
A couple had been married 10 years.
One afternoon, they were working in the garden together.
As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said "Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is huge. I'll bet it's as wide as the gas grill".
Feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife's butt.
"Yep", he said, "just what I thought, just about the same size".
The wife became mad and left him gardening alone. She went inside the house and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.
When they retired to bed that evening, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it, honey ? How about a little lovemaking ?"
The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
"What's the matter ?" he asked.
She replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big ass grill with your little match stick, do you ?"
One afternoon, they were working in the garden together.
As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said "Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is huge. I'll bet it's as wide as the gas grill".
Feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife's butt.
"Yep", he said, "just what I thought, just about the same size".
The wife became mad and left him gardening alone. She went inside the house and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.
When they retired to bed that evening, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it, honey ? How about a little lovemaking ?"
The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
"What's the matter ?" he asked.
She replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big ass grill with your little match stick, do you ?"
* Somebody coming *
A guy moves into an apartment complex.
He's putting his name on his mailbox when he hears a door open in the hall.
He glances towards the door and sees a gorgeous woman dressed only in a bathrobe come out.
He tries not to look at her as she gets her mail, but she engages him in conversation.
As they talk she turns to look down the hall and her robe opens slightly and he notices she is wearing only the robe.
They talk a little more, and she says, "Shhh, I think I hear somebody coming. Could we continue this conversation in my apartment ?" He agrees to this.
As they talk in her apartment, she moves and her robe falls to the floor and he gets a good eyeful.
She then says, "Now that you've had a good look, what do you think is the best part of my body ?"
He says, "Your ears".
She is downright speechless but finally replies, "My ears ? Look at these breasts, look at this butt, look at my pussy. How can you say my ears ?"
He replied, "Remember in the hall when you said you heard somebody coming ?
That was me !"…
He's putting his name on his mailbox when he hears a door open in the hall.
He glances towards the door and sees a gorgeous woman dressed only in a bathrobe come out.
He tries not to look at her as she gets her mail, but she engages him in conversation.
As they talk she turns to look down the hall and her robe opens slightly and he notices she is wearing only the robe.
They talk a little more, and she says, "Shhh, I think I hear somebody coming. Could we continue this conversation in my apartment ?" He agrees to this.
As they talk in her apartment, she moves and her robe falls to the floor and he gets a good eyeful.
She then says, "Now that you've had a good look, what do you think is the best part of my body ?"
He says, "Your ears".
She is downright speechless but finally replies, "My ears ? Look at these breasts, look at this butt, look at my pussy. How can you say my ears ?"
He replied, "Remember in the hall when you said you heard somebody coming ?
That was me !"…
* I've learned... *
... that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
... that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
... that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
... that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
... that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.
... that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
... that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
... that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
... that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
... that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
... that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
... that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
... to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.
... that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
... that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
... that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
... that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.
... that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
... that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
... that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
... that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
... that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
... that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
... that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
... to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.
* Car accident *
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed.
- "If I do 200 mph, will you take off your clothes ?" he asked.
- "Yes !" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peels off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
- "Go and get help !" he cried.
- "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone !"
- "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself".
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me ! My boyfriend's stuck !"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do.... he's in too far !"
She was thrilled at the speed.
- "If I do 200 mph, will you take off your clothes ?" he asked.
- "Yes !" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peels off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
- "Go and get help !" he cried.
- "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone !"
- "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself".
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me ! My boyfriend's stuck !"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do.... he's in too far !"
* Sergeants *
Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in".
"But we's privates", protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now", says Leroy, pulling him inside.
"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink".
"But we's privates", says Jasper.
You blind, boy ?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now".
So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute", she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea".
Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign".
So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.
"Jasper", he says, "what fo' you give me the okay ?"
"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates". He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now !"….
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in".
"But we's privates", protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now", says Leroy, pulling him inside.
"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink".
"But we's privates", says Jasper.
You blind, boy ?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now".
So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute", she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea".
Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign".
So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.
"Jasper", he says, "what fo' you give me the okay ?"
"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates". He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now !"….
* Complete coverage *
Two men are in a doctor's office.
Each of them are to get a vasectomy... the nurse comes into the room and tells both men, "Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done".
A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man's gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.
Shocked as he was, he asks "Why are you doing that ?"
To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure".
The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.
After she is through, she proceeds to the next man… She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him oral sex.
The first man seeing this quickly responds, "Hey ! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a blow job ?"
The nurse simply replies, "Sir, there is a difference between HMO and Complete Coverage.
Each of them are to get a vasectomy... the nurse comes into the room and tells both men, "Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done".
A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man's gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.
Shocked as he was, he asks "Why are you doing that ?"
To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure".
The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.
After she is through, she proceeds to the next man… She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him oral sex.
The first man seeing this quickly responds, "Hey ! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a blow job ?"
The nurse simply replies, "Sir, there is a difference between HMO and Complete Coverage.
* Garage door *
Noticing that her boss's fly was open, an embarrassed secretary told him as she left the office, "Your garage door is open".
The bewildered executive didn't know what she meant until a co-worker finally told him what she was referring to.
The next day, he called his secretary into his office and said, "Yesterday, when my garage door was open, did you see a long red Cadillac with a hard top ?"
"Oh, no," she replied. "It was a little pink Volkswagen with two flat tires up front"….
The bewildered executive didn't know what she meant until a co-worker finally told him what she was referring to.
The next day, he called his secretary into his office and said, "Yesterday, when my garage door was open, did you see a long red Cadillac with a hard top ?"
"Oh, no," she replied. "It was a little pink Volkswagen with two flat tires up front"….
* Soldiers payout *
On returning from battle in the Falkland Islands, 3 soldiers are asked to report to their commander.
The commander states that because of services rendered the army will pay each soldier a sum of £100 pound per inch on their bodies, from one point to another of their choice.
The commander asks the first soldier, a special forces commando, how he can measure him up.
"I'll have the top of my head, to the tips of my toes, sahr !" replies the man of war.
"Excellent", says the commander, that's "70 inches, so here's £7000".
Secondly a marine states that he will have the tip of one arm outstretched measured to the other outstretched.
"Excellent", replies the commander after measuring the marine, "75 inches, so that's £7500".
Thirdly he asks the explosives expert.
"I'll have measured the tip of my dick to he end of my balls sahr !"
The commander is a little taken aback by this but agrees, and after several seconds down in the private's privates he snaps back up saying "Where in Christ are your balls soldier ?"
The soldier smiles at him and says, "Falkland Islands sahr !"…
The commander states that because of services rendered the army will pay each soldier a sum of £100 pound per inch on their bodies, from one point to another of their choice.
The commander asks the first soldier, a special forces commando, how he can measure him up.
"I'll have the top of my head, to the tips of my toes, sahr !" replies the man of war.
"Excellent", says the commander, that's "70 inches, so here's £7000".
Secondly a marine states that he will have the tip of one arm outstretched measured to the other outstretched.
"Excellent", replies the commander after measuring the marine, "75 inches, so that's £7500".
Thirdly he asks the explosives expert.
"I'll have measured the tip of my dick to he end of my balls sahr !"
The commander is a little taken aback by this but agrees, and after several seconds down in the private's privates he snaps back up saying "Where in Christ are your balls soldier ?"
The soldier smiles at him and says, "Falkland Islands sahr !"…
* Excuses ! *
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.
Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.
Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck !"
"Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits !"
After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.
Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.
Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck !"
"Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits !"
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