This guy goes into a doctor's office.
The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones ! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news ?"
The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first".
"Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live", the doctor replies.
The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible ! What could be worse than that ? What's the VERY bad news ?"
The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is... I've been trying to contact you since yesterday".
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
* The Rabbit and the Bull *
A rabbit is crossing a railway track and he gets hit by a train.
A bull sees that, starts laughing and says: "HAHAH, you have such big ears and you didn't hear the train".
The rabbit, picking himself up from the floor, says: "Yeah, yeah, you have such big balls and a veterinarian has to fuck your cow !"
A bull sees that, starts laughing and says: "HAHAH, you have such big ears and you didn't hear the train".
The rabbit, picking himself up from the floor, says: "Yeah, yeah, you have such big balls and a veterinarian has to fuck your cow !"
* God, the Angel and the Devil *
There was an angel that loved to screw people in the ass, so one day God invited him and told him that if he didn't stop what he was doing, he would be sent to hell.
Anyway, it took 2 days for the angel to disregard the warning, so God sent him to hell.
After about 2 weeks God heard that fires in hell were starting to cool down. God went to see the devil and he asked him: "Hey ! What's this ? Light some fires, it' s freezing here !!"
And the devil answered: "Yeah right ! You bend over and light some fires !"
Anyway, it took 2 days for the angel to disregard the warning, so God sent him to hell.
After about 2 weeks God heard that fires in hell were starting to cool down. God went to see the devil and he asked him: "Hey ! What's this ? Light some fires, it' s freezing here !!"
And the devil answered: "Yeah right ! You bend over and light some fires !"
* The employed canibals *
A big corporation hired several cannibals.
- "You are all part of our team now", said the manager during the welcome briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised they would not.
A few weeks later the cannibals' boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her ?"
The cannibals all shook their heads, "No", they said.
After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others angrily, "Right, which one of you idiots ate the secretary ?" A hand rose hesitantly in admission.
- "You fool !" said the leader, "For weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything, but nooo, you had to go and eat someone important !..."
- "You are all part of our team now", said the manager during the welcome briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised they would not.
A few weeks later the cannibals' boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her ?"
The cannibals all shook their heads, "No", they said.
After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others angrily, "Right, which one of you idiots ate the secretary ?" A hand rose hesitantly in admission.
- "You fool !" said the leader, "For weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything, but nooo, you had to go and eat someone important !..."
* Evolution of the children *
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy:
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the tree outside ?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside ?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God ?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there he doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside ?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the grass outside ?
TOMMY: Yesssssssss (getting tired of the questions by this time).
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky ?
TOMMY: Yessssssssss.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher ?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain ?
TOMMY: No.
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, he must not have one !.pass it.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the tree outside ?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside ?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God ?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there he doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside ?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the grass outside ?
TOMMY: Yesssssssss (getting tired of the questions by this time).
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky ?
TOMMY: Yessssssssss.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher ?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain ?
TOMMY: No.
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, he must not have one !.pass it.
* Bar conversation *
HE: Can I buy you a drink ?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once ? Or was it twice ?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful ?
SHE: I must've been given your share.
HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday ?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.
HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why ? Are you leaving ?
HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me ?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE: Can I have your name ?
SHE: Why ? Don't you already have one ?
HE: Shall we go see a movie ?
SHE: I've already seen it.
HE: Where have you been all my life ?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you some place before ?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty ?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living ?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign ?
SHE: Do not enter.
HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happyness.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably dying of laughing.
HE: Where have you been all my life ?
SHE: In your wildest dreams….
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once ? Or was it twice ?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful ?
SHE: I must've been given your share.
HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday ?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.
HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why ? Are you leaving ?
HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me ?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE: Can I have your name ?
SHE: Why ? Don't you already have one ?
HE: Shall we go see a movie ?
SHE: I've already seen it.
HE: Where have you been all my life ?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you some place before ?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty ?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living ?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign ?
SHE: Do not enter.
HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happyness.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably dying of laughing.
HE: Where have you been all my life ?
SHE: In your wildest dreams….
* The Goony bird *
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment. This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth. The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird ! The table !" Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws ! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird ! The shelf !" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds. "Wow !" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will !" So she bought the bird and took it home. When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey !" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you ! A Goony bird !" The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot !"….
* The stupid dog *
A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door. "An' wot's this then ?" he asked.
The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.
"You dumb dog". As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket. The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day. The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb. "Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know ?"
Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright", as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.
The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home.
The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.
"Hey, what are you doing ?
That's a really smart dog you've got there", comments the butcher.
"He's a stupid dog -- that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.
The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.
"You dumb dog". As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket. The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day. The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb. "Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know ?"
Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright", as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.
The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home.
The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.
"Hey, what are you doing ?
That's a really smart dog you've got there", comments the butcher.
"He's a stupid dog -- that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.
* Chicken questions *
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road ?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road ?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders !
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice ?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.
Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road ?
A: To take over the other side.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground ?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach ?
A: To get to the other tide.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road ?
A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet…
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road ?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders !
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice ?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.
Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road ?
A: To take over the other side.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground ?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach ?
A: To get to the other tide.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road ?
A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet…
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