Monday, December 31, 2007
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Monday, December 24, 2007
Friday, August 31, 2007
* The sponge *
One day a little boy walked in on his mother in the shower. The boy pointed to his mother's pussy and said "What’s that mommy ?".
The mother not wanting to explain the facts of life to the boy said "that’s my sponge" the boy satisfied with the answer went out.
A few days later the boy again walked in on his mother in the shower. The night before the mother had shaved completely.
The boy noticing the difference asked the mother "where is your sponge ?".
The mother said she lost it and the boy satisfied went outside again…
All of a sudden the boy ran back in. "Mommy, mommy I found your sponge ! I was looking in Mrs.Jones back window and I saw Mrs Jones washing daddy's face with it !"
The mother not wanting to explain the facts of life to the boy said "that’s my sponge" the boy satisfied with the answer went out.
A few days later the boy again walked in on his mother in the shower. The night before the mother had shaved completely.
The boy noticing the difference asked the mother "where is your sponge ?".
The mother said she lost it and the boy satisfied went outside again…
All of a sudden the boy ran back in. "Mommy, mommy I found your sponge ! I was looking in Mrs.Jones back window and I saw Mrs Jones washing daddy's face with it !"
* Sex lives *
Four women are sitting around after a card party. They start complaining about their sex lives.
The first woman moans, "My husband is a musician. All he wants to do is sing to it".
The second woman moans, "My husband is a doctor. All he wants to do is examine it".
The third woman moans, "My husband is a psychiatrist. All he wants to do is talk about it".
A big grin on her face, the fourth woman says, "My husband's a mechanic. On our wedding night he tore hell out of it, and he has been working on it ever since".
The first woman moans, "My husband is a musician. All he wants to do is sing to it".
The second woman moans, "My husband is a doctor. All he wants to do is examine it".
The third woman moans, "My husband is a psychiatrist. All he wants to do is talk about it".
A big grin on her face, the fourth woman says, "My husband's a mechanic. On our wedding night he tore hell out of it, and he has been working on it ever since".
* Sex addict *
This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me, I just can't stop having sex !"
"Well how often do you have it ?" the doctor asks ?
"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife"
"TWICE a day", he answers back. "That's not so much", says the doctor.
"Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary".
"TWICE a day !!! Well that is probably a bit excessive", says the doctor.
"Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute".
"Well, that's definitely too much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand".
"I do", says the man. "Twice a day"…
"Well how often do you have it ?" the doctor asks ?
"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife"
"TWICE a day", he answers back. "That's not so much", says the doctor.
"Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary".
"TWICE a day !!! Well that is probably a bit excessive", says the doctor.
"Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute".
"Well, that's definitely too much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand".
"I do", says the man. "Twice a day"…
* Business *
A man goes into a shop and starts looking around. He sees a washer & dryer but there is no price listed on them.
He asks a salesman who says, "Five pounds for both of them".
"Yeah right, you've got to be joking !" the man says.
"No, that's the price", the salesman says, "Do you want to buy them or not ?"
"Yeah, I'll take them", the man says. He continues to look around and sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers.
"How much ?" he asks.
"Five pounds for the system, including installation" the salesman says.
"Is it stolen ?" the man asks incredulously.
"No", says the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not ?"
"Certainly", the man says. He looks around some more.
As the salesman is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, "Why are your prices so cheap ?"
The salesman says, "Well, the owner of the shop is at my house right now with my wife, and what he's doing to her,... I'm doing to his business !"….
He asks a salesman who says, "Five pounds for both of them".
"Yeah right, you've got to be joking !" the man says.
"No, that's the price", the salesman says, "Do you want to buy them or not ?"
"Yeah, I'll take them", the man says. He continues to look around and sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers.
"How much ?" he asks.
"Five pounds for the system, including installation" the salesman says.
"Is it stolen ?" the man asks incredulously.
"No", says the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not ?"
"Certainly", the man says. He looks around some more.
As the salesman is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, "Why are your prices so cheap ?"
The salesman says, "Well, the owner of the shop is at my house right now with my wife, and what he's doing to her,... I'm doing to his business !"….
* Prisoner *
The bride tells her husband,… "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first ?"
"OK, Sweetheart, putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'.
So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles,… "Honey, the prisoner seems to have escaped".
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him"…
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes.
But the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again !"…
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again"…
Limply turning his head, He yells at her, "Hey, it's not life imprisonment !"
"OK, Sweetheart, putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'.
So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles,… "Honey, the prisoner seems to have escaped".
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him"…
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes.
But the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again !"…
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again"…
Limply turning his head, He yells at her, "Hey, it's not life imprisonment !"
* Sexual harassment *
A man walks up to a woman in his office and says her hair smells nice.
The woman immediately goes to her supervisor and tells him she wants to file a sexual harassment suit.
Puzzled, the supervisor asks, "What’s wrong with your co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice ?"
The woman replies, "He’s a midget"…
The woman immediately goes to her supervisor and tells him she wants to file a sexual harassment suit.
Puzzled, the supervisor asks, "What’s wrong with your co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice ?"
The woman replies, "He’s a midget"…
* Making cakes *
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing ?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm… they are making cakes".
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex.
Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes".
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh ?"…
Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know ?"
The little girl says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa"…
The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing ?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm… they are making cakes".
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex.
Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes".
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh ?"…
Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know ?"
The little girl says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa"…
* The Naked Model *
Doris & Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their 2 up 2 down terrace house.
After a few days a young attractive woman applies for the room and explains that she is a model working in a nearby city centre studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room for Mondays to Thursdays but would pay for the whole week.
Doris shows her the house and they agree to start straight away. "There's just one problem" explains the model "because of my job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath ?"
"That's not a problem" replies Doris "we have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water".
"What about your husband ?" asks the model.
"Oh he plays darts most weekdays - so he will be out in the evenings", replies Doris.
"Good" says the model "that being settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight".
That evening Fred dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Doris prepares the bath for the model. After stripping off the model steps into the bath and Doris is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair. The model notices Doris's staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of her job to shave her pussy especially when modelling swim wear or underclothes.
Later when Fred returns, Doris relates this oddity and he does not believe her.
"It's true I tell you" says Doris "look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself".
The next night Fred leaves as usual and Doris prepares the bath for the model. As the model steps naked into the bath - Doris, standing behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model's naked pussy. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties, points to her own hairy mass.
Later Fed returns and they retire to bed.
"Well do you believe me now ?" she asks Fred. "Yes", he replies "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show your hairy twat ?"
"Just to show you the difference" answers Doris "but anyway you've seen my pussy millions of times ?"
"Yes", says Fred "I have... but the rest of the darts team haven't"…
After a few days a young attractive woman applies for the room and explains that she is a model working in a nearby city centre studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room for Mondays to Thursdays but would pay for the whole week.
Doris shows her the house and they agree to start straight away. "There's just one problem" explains the model "because of my job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath ?"
"That's not a problem" replies Doris "we have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water".
"What about your husband ?" asks the model.
"Oh he plays darts most weekdays - so he will be out in the evenings", replies Doris.
"Good" says the model "that being settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight".
That evening Fred dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Doris prepares the bath for the model. After stripping off the model steps into the bath and Doris is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair. The model notices Doris's staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of her job to shave her pussy especially when modelling swim wear or underclothes.
Later when Fred returns, Doris relates this oddity and he does not believe her.
"It's true I tell you" says Doris "look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself".
The next night Fred leaves as usual and Doris prepares the bath for the model. As the model steps naked into the bath - Doris, standing behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model's naked pussy. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties, points to her own hairy mass.
Later Fed returns and they retire to bed.
"Well do you believe me now ?" she asks Fred. "Yes", he replies "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show your hairy twat ?"
"Just to show you the difference" answers Doris "but anyway you've seen my pussy millions of times ?"
"Yes", says Fred "I have... but the rest of the darts team haven't"…
* Sexual Protection *
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to love him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.
The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for ?"
The elderly gentleman replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber !"…
The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for ?"
The elderly gentleman replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber !"…
* Hair in soup *
A man goes into a greasy spoon restaurant and orders a bowl of chicken soup.
"What's this ?" he screams ! "There's a pussy hair in my soup ! I'm not paying for it !" and he storms out...
The waitress gets very upset at this and follows him out and sees him go to the whore house across the street. He pays the madam and retires to a room with a lovely blonde and goes down on her with gusto.
The waitress bursts in and says, "You complain about a hair in your soup and then come over here and do THIS !" the waitress yells.
He lifts his head, turns to her and says, "Yeah... and if I find a noodle in here, I ain't paying for it EITHER !!!!!"
"What's this ?" he screams ! "There's a pussy hair in my soup ! I'm not paying for it !" and he storms out...
The waitress gets very upset at this and follows him out and sees him go to the whore house across the street. He pays the madam and retires to a room with a lovely blonde and goes down on her with gusto.
The waitress bursts in and says, "You complain about a hair in your soup and then come over here and do THIS !" the waitress yells.
He lifts his head, turns to her and says, "Yeah... and if I find a noodle in here, I ain't paying for it EITHER !!!!!"
* Perfect day *
For HER
08:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
08:30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday.
08:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.
09:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe.
12:45 Catch sight of husband's/boyfriend's ex and notice that she has gained 7 kg.
13:00 Shopping with friends. Unlimited credit.
15:00 Nap.
16:00 3 dozen red roses delivered by florist from a secret admirer.
16:15 Light workout at club followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says that he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
17:30 Choose outfit from expensive, designer wardrobe. Parade in front of full length mirror.
19:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
22:00 Hot shower (alone)
22:50 Carried to bed. Freshly ironed, crisp, new white linen.
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
23:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.
-------------------------
For HIM
06:00 Alarm
06:15 Blow job
06:30 Massive, satisfying dump whilst reading the sports pages.
07:00 Breakfast. Rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast - all cooked by naked buxom wench.
07:30 Limo arrives.
07:45 Several whiskeys en-route to airport.
09:15 Flight in personal Lear jet.
09:30 Limo to St. Andrew' s golf club (blow job en-route)
09:45 Play front nine (2 under)
11:45 Lunch. Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon.
12:15 Blow job.
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
14:15 Limo back to airport (several whiskeys)
14:30 Fly to Monte Carlo
15:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew (all nude)
16:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lb) on light tackle.
17:00 Fly home. Massage and hand job by Elle McPherson.
18:45 Shit, shower and shave.
19:00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; marijuana and porn legalised.
19:45 Dinner. Lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953); big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits.
21:00 Napoleon brandy and Cohiba cigar in front of wall-sized TV showing International Match of the Day: England 11: Germany 0.
22:45 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies).
23:30 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale.
00:15 Night cap blow job.
00:30 In bed alone.
00:35 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room.
08:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
08:30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday.
08:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.
09:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe.
12:45 Catch sight of husband's/boyfriend's ex and notice that she has gained 7 kg.
13:00 Shopping with friends. Unlimited credit.
15:00 Nap.
16:00 3 dozen red roses delivered by florist from a secret admirer.
16:15 Light workout at club followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says that he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
17:30 Choose outfit from expensive, designer wardrobe. Parade in front of full length mirror.
19:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
22:00 Hot shower (alone)
22:50 Carried to bed. Freshly ironed, crisp, new white linen.
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
23:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.
-------------------------
For HIM
06:00 Alarm
06:15 Blow job
06:30 Massive, satisfying dump whilst reading the sports pages.
07:00 Breakfast. Rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast - all cooked by naked buxom wench.
07:30 Limo arrives.
07:45 Several whiskeys en-route to airport.
09:15 Flight in personal Lear jet.
09:30 Limo to St. Andrew' s golf club (blow job en-route)
09:45 Play front nine (2 under)
11:45 Lunch. Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon.
12:15 Blow job.
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
14:15 Limo back to airport (several whiskeys)
14:30 Fly to Monte Carlo
15:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew (all nude)
16:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lb) on light tackle.
17:00 Fly home. Massage and hand job by Elle McPherson.
18:45 Shit, shower and shave.
19:00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; marijuana and porn legalised.
19:45 Dinner. Lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953); big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits.
21:00 Napoleon brandy and Cohiba cigar in front of wall-sized TV showing International Match of the Day: England 11: Germany 0.
22:45 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies).
23:30 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale.
00:15 Night cap blow job.
00:30 In bed alone.
00:35 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room.
* Existentialist *
The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: "Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre ?"
Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".
Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working.
A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream... how about with no milk ?"
Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".
Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working.
A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream... how about with no milk ?"
* She's beautiful *
This guy, about 40, walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then he pulls out a picture of a beautiful girl, about 20. He orders drink after drink after drink. Finally, the bartender asks why he's getting drunk
"I have to come home to this !" the guy says, pointing to the picture of the beautiful girl.
"What's wrong with her ?" asks the bartender. "She's beautiful and half your age !"
"Exactly. That's my daughter"…
"I have to come home to this !" the guy says, pointing to the picture of the beautiful girl.
"What's wrong with her ?" asks the bartender. "She's beautiful and half your age !"
"Exactly. That's my daughter"…
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Friday, August 24, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Monday, August 20, 2007
Sunday, August 19, 2007
* A good nights sleep *
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where".
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy", admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you".
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it".
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep ?" asked the manager.
"Never better". The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then ?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time", said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that ?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room", the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me".
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy", admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you".
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it".
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep ?" asked the manager.
"Never better". The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then ?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time", said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that ?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room", the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me".
* Lucky ! *
A newly married Chinese couple decided to make love on their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding.
The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop nearby.
When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off.
The husband had a hard time locating a shop that sold condoms, when he finally found one, he realized that he had only 20 cents.
He asks the shop owner to sell him one condom and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted.
"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each".
So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him.
While the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband.
She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.
When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping.
Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife, mounted her and started screwing her vigorously.
The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic as she thoroughly enjoyed the session.
A year later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy.
When the baby grew up, he asked the father. "Papa, why am I black and you are white ?"
The father shouted, "You are damn lucky, 5 cents more and you would have been PURPLE !"...
The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop nearby.
When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off.
The husband had a hard time locating a shop that sold condoms, when he finally found one, he realized that he had only 20 cents.
He asks the shop owner to sell him one condom and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted.
"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each".
So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him.
While the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband.
She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.
When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping.
Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife, mounted her and started screwing her vigorously.
The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic as she thoroughly enjoyed the session.
A year later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy.
When the baby grew up, he asked the father. "Papa, why am I black and you are white ?"
The father shouted, "You are damn lucky, 5 cents more and you would have been PURPLE !"...
* Funny rash *
This guy goes to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it ?"
The doctor said "Put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work".
The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work.
The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says "Drop your pants".
The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on the man then says "Doctor it's worked !! What was that ?"
The doctor replies "Lipstick remover"…
The doctor said "Put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work".
The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work.
The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says "Drop your pants".
The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on the man then says "Doctor it's worked !! What was that ?"
The doctor replies "Lipstick remover"…
* Bob's Tatoo *
Bob had a Tatoo of a $1,000.00 bill tatoed on his winger wanger. When his friend Dave asked him why ? He replied...
"Well you see... I like to watch my money grow and sometimes I like to play with my money, and when my wife wants to go out and blow a $1,000.00 bucks I just drop my pants".
"Well you see... I like to watch my money grow and sometimes I like to play with my money, and when my wife wants to go out and blow a $1,000.00 bucks I just drop my pants".
* Smoking in the Rain *
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that ?
Lady 2: A condom.
Lady 1: Where'd you get it ?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms.
The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred.
"Doesn't matter", she replied, "as long as it fits a Camel".
The pharmacist fainted.
Lady 1: What's that ?
Lady 2: A condom.
Lady 1: Where'd you get it ?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms.
The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred.
"Doesn't matter", she replied, "as long as it fits a Camel".
The pharmacist fainted.
* Great Date *
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job ?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad ? My parents will see us !" "Oh come on ! Who's gonna see us at this hour ?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught "Oh come on ! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping !" "No way. It's just too risky !" "Oh please, please, I love you so much ?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't !" "Oh yes you can. Please ?"
"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ...
"Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom".
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad ? My parents will see us !" "Oh come on ! Who's gonna see us at this hour ?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught "Oh come on ! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping !" "No way. It's just too risky !" "Oh please, please, I love you so much ?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't !" "Oh yes you can. Please ?"
"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ...
"Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom".
* Fireman sex*
A fireman comes home from work and is all excited. He just can’t wait to tell his wife the good news about a new system that they have down at the station.
"Honey !" he says, "you’re not going to believe this ! Down at the station we have this new system and it’s so great.
When Bell #1 goes off we put on all our gear.
When Bell #2 goes off we slide down the pole and jump in the fire truck.
When Bell #3 goes off we speed to the fire in the fire truck". He excitedly tells his wife.
Triumphantly he says, We’re going to do the same thing for our sex life !
When Bell #1 goes off we are going to strip naked.
When Bell #2 goes off we will jump into bed.
When Bell #3 goes off we will screw our brains out.
Let’s give a test run. OK, ready ? "Bell #1 !" (they strip naked)
"Bell #2 !" (they hop into bed)
"Bell #3 !" (they start screwing there brains out)
A couple of minutes later the wife starts screaming "Oh, Bell #4 ! Bell #4 !".
The husband confused says,"Bell #4,… What’s that ?"
The wife screams "More hose ! More hose ! Your not reaching the fire !!!"
"Honey !" he says, "you’re not going to believe this ! Down at the station we have this new system and it’s so great.
When Bell #1 goes off we put on all our gear.
When Bell #2 goes off we slide down the pole and jump in the fire truck.
When Bell #3 goes off we speed to the fire in the fire truck". He excitedly tells his wife.
Triumphantly he says, We’re going to do the same thing for our sex life !
When Bell #1 goes off we are going to strip naked.
When Bell #2 goes off we will jump into bed.
When Bell #3 goes off we will screw our brains out.
Let’s give a test run. OK, ready ? "Bell #1 !" (they strip naked)
"Bell #2 !" (they hop into bed)
"Bell #3 !" (they start screwing there brains out)
A couple of minutes later the wife starts screaming "Oh, Bell #4 ! Bell #4 !".
The husband confused says,"Bell #4,… What’s that ?"
The wife screams "More hose ! More hose ! Your not reaching the fire !!!"
* On the train *
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in the first class carriage of a train. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip.
The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again and again he pulls out his penis and wipes the tip.
The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few more minutes pass and the man sneezes again. He again takes his penis out and wipes the tip.
The woman has finally had enough.
She turns to the man and says, 'Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it. What kind of degenerate are you ?'
The man replies, 'I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition that means when I sneeze, I have an orgasm'.
The woman, now feeling badly, says, 'Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it ?'
The man looks at her and says, 'Pepper'…
The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again and again he pulls out his penis and wipes the tip.
The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few more minutes pass and the man sneezes again. He again takes his penis out and wipes the tip.
The woman has finally had enough.
She turns to the man and says, 'Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it. What kind of degenerate are you ?'
The man replies, 'I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition that means when I sneeze, I have an orgasm'.
The woman, now feeling badly, says, 'Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it ?'
The man looks at her and says, 'Pepper'…
* Greatest breasts *
A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell, the wife answers.
"Hi is Tony home ?"
"No he went to the store".
"Well, you mind if I wait ?" "No come in".
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one".
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one.
He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together".
Nora thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Chris came over".
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me ?"
"Hi is Tony home ?"
"No he went to the store".
"Well, you mind if I wait ?" "No come in".
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one".
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one.
He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together".
Nora thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Chris came over".
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me ?"
* Snow in June *
The big-rig driver stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker who was wearing very short shorts.
"What's your name, mister ?" she inquired, after she climbed up into the truck.
"It's Snow -- Roy Snow", he answered, "and yours ?"
"Me, I'm June Hansen", she said.
"Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances ?" she challenged the trucker a few miles down the road.
"Oh, I was just thinkin' what it might be like", he drawled, "having eight inches of Snow in June ?"
"What's your name, mister ?" she inquired, after she climbed up into the truck.
"It's Snow -- Roy Snow", he answered, "and yours ?"
"Me, I'm June Hansen", she said.
"Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances ?" she challenged the trucker a few miles down the road.
"Oh, I was just thinkin' what it might be like", he drawled, "having eight inches of Snow in June ?"
Friday, August 03, 2007
* Wedding night *
He didn't know what made him do it, but after their wedding night, he reached for his wallet and gave her a twenty dollar bill. What made it even worse, she gave him ten dollars change !
* In bed *
He said: Darling. Was I the first to make love to you ?
She said: Turn the light on and I'll see if I can recall your face.
Animated GIFs
She said: Turn the light on and I'll see if I can recall your face.
Animated GIFs
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
* Doctor’s news *
This guy goes into a doctor's office.
The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones ! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news ?"
The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first".
"Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live", the doctor replies.
The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible ! What could be worse than that ? What's the VERY bad news ?"
The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is... I've been trying to contact you since yesterday".
The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones ! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news ?"
The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first".
"Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live", the doctor replies.
The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible ! What could be worse than that ? What's the VERY bad news ?"
The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is... I've been trying to contact you since yesterday".
* The Rabbit and the Bull *
A rabbit is crossing a railway track and he gets hit by a train.
A bull sees that, starts laughing and says: "HAHAH, you have such big ears and you didn't hear the train".
The rabbit, picking himself up from the floor, says: "Yeah, yeah, you have such big balls and a veterinarian has to fuck your cow !"
A bull sees that, starts laughing and says: "HAHAH, you have such big ears and you didn't hear the train".
The rabbit, picking himself up from the floor, says: "Yeah, yeah, you have such big balls and a veterinarian has to fuck your cow !"
* God, the Angel and the Devil *
There was an angel that loved to screw people in the ass, so one day God invited him and told him that if he didn't stop what he was doing, he would be sent to hell.
Anyway, it took 2 days for the angel to disregard the warning, so God sent him to hell.
After about 2 weeks God heard that fires in hell were starting to cool down. God went to see the devil and he asked him: "Hey ! What's this ? Light some fires, it' s freezing here !!"
And the devil answered: "Yeah right ! You bend over and light some fires !"
Anyway, it took 2 days for the angel to disregard the warning, so God sent him to hell.
After about 2 weeks God heard that fires in hell were starting to cool down. God went to see the devil and he asked him: "Hey ! What's this ? Light some fires, it' s freezing here !!"
And the devil answered: "Yeah right ! You bend over and light some fires !"
* The employed canibals *
A big corporation hired several cannibals.
- "You are all part of our team now", said the manager during the welcome briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised they would not.
A few weeks later the cannibals' boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her ?"
The cannibals all shook their heads, "No", they said.
After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others angrily, "Right, which one of you idiots ate the secretary ?" A hand rose hesitantly in admission.
- "You fool !" said the leader, "For weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything, but nooo, you had to go and eat someone important !..."
- "You are all part of our team now", said the manager during the welcome briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised they would not.
A few weeks later the cannibals' boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her ?"
The cannibals all shook their heads, "No", they said.
After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others angrily, "Right, which one of you idiots ate the secretary ?" A hand rose hesitantly in admission.
- "You fool !" said the leader, "For weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything, but nooo, you had to go and eat someone important !..."
* Evolution of the children *
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy:
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the tree outside ?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside ?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God ?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there he doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside ?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the grass outside ?
TOMMY: Yesssssssss (getting tired of the questions by this time).
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky ?
TOMMY: Yessssssssss.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher ?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain ?
TOMMY: No.
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, he must not have one !.pass it.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the tree outside ?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside ?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God ?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there he doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside ?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the grass outside ?
TOMMY: Yesssssssss (getting tired of the questions by this time).
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky ?
TOMMY: Yessssssssss.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher ?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain ?
TOMMY: No.
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, he must not have one !.pass it.
* Bar conversation *
HE: Can I buy you a drink ?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once ? Or was it twice ?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful ?
SHE: I must've been given your share.
HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday ?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.
HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why ? Are you leaving ?
HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me ?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE: Can I have your name ?
SHE: Why ? Don't you already have one ?
HE: Shall we go see a movie ?
SHE: I've already seen it.
HE: Where have you been all my life ?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you some place before ?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty ?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living ?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign ?
SHE: Do not enter.
HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happyness.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably dying of laughing.
HE: Where have you been all my life ?
SHE: In your wildest dreams….
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once ? Or was it twice ?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful ?
SHE: I must've been given your share.
HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday ?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.
HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why ? Are you leaving ?
HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me ?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE: Can I have your name ?
SHE: Why ? Don't you already have one ?
HE: Shall we go see a movie ?
SHE: I've already seen it.
HE: Where have you been all my life ?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you some place before ?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty ?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living ?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign ?
SHE: Do not enter.
HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happyness.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably dying of laughing.
HE: Where have you been all my life ?
SHE: In your wildest dreams….
* The Goony bird *
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment. This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth. The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird ! The table !" Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws ! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird ! The shelf !" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds. "Wow !" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will !" So she bought the bird and took it home. When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey !" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you ! A Goony bird !" The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot !"….
* The stupid dog *
A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door. "An' wot's this then ?" he asked.
The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.
"You dumb dog". As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket. The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day. The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb. "Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know ?"
Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright", as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.
The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home.
The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.
"Hey, what are you doing ?
That's a really smart dog you've got there", comments the butcher.
"He's a stupid dog -- that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.
The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.
"You dumb dog". As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket. The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day. The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb. "Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know ?"
Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright", as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.
The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home.
The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.
"Hey, what are you doing ?
That's a really smart dog you've got there", comments the butcher.
"He's a stupid dog -- that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.
* Chicken questions *
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road ?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road ?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders !
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice ?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.
Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road ?
A: To take over the other side.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground ?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach ?
A: To get to the other tide.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road ?
A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet…
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road ?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders !
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice ?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.
Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road ?
A: To take over the other side.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground ?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach ?
A: To get to the other tide.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road ?
A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet…
Friday, July 27, 2007
* Check your Dirty IQ *
Questions...
1. When I go in, I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I ?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I ?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I ?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I ?
5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I ?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. What am I ?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I ?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I ?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I ?
10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I ?
Answers:
1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4.chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course !
Now Really !!! Just what were you thinking ?
Animated GIFs
1. When I go in, I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I ?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I ?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I ?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I ?
5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I ?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. What am I ?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I ?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I ?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I ?
10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I ?
Answers:
1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4.chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course !
Now Really !!! Just what were you thinking ?
Animated GIFs
* 60 Things Not to Say *
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you ?
4. Why don't we just cuddle ?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that ?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim ?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it ?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you ?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies ?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow ?
29. Every heard of clearasil ?
30. All right, a treasure hunt !
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you ?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this ?
36. But it still works, right ?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids ?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes ?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt ?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold ?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion ?
49. What is that ?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered ?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump ?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings ?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button ?
60. Where's the rest of it ?
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you ?
4. Why don't we just cuddle ?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that ?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim ?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it ?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you ?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies ?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow ?
29. Every heard of clearasil ?
30. All right, a treasure hunt !
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you ?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this ?
36. But it still works, right ?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids ?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes ?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt ?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold ?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion ?
49. What is that ?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered ?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump ?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings ?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button ?
60. Where's the rest of it ?
* Bad Doctor *
A beautfiul woman walks into a doctors office and the doctor is awestruck. All his professionalism goes out the window.
He tells her to take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs.
He says "Do you know what I am doing ?"
She replies "Yes, checking for abnormalities".
He tells her to take off her shrit and bra and he starts rubbing her breats. He says "Do you know what I am doing now ?"
She replies "Yes, checking for lumps and cancer".
Finally, he tells he takes off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her, and starts having sex with her. He says "Do you know what I am doing now ?"
She replies "Yes, getting herpies. That's why I am here"…
He tells her to take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs.
He says "Do you know what I am doing ?"
She replies "Yes, checking for abnormalities".
He tells her to take off her shrit and bra and he starts rubbing her breats. He says "Do you know what I am doing now ?"
She replies "Yes, checking for lumps and cancer".
Finally, he tells he takes off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her, and starts having sex with her. He says "Do you know what I am doing now ?"
She replies "Yes, getting herpies. That's why I am here"…
* Life in reverse *
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough.
It takes up a lot of your time and what do you get at the end of it ?
A death.
What's that, a bonus ?
I think the life cycle is all backward.
You should die first, get it out of the way.
Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm.
I mean, life is tough.
It takes up a lot of your time and what do you get at the end of it ?
A death.
What's that, a bonus ?
I think the life cycle is all backward.
You should die first, get it out of the way.
Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm.
* Occupational Hazard *
Three men are on a road trip when they pull over to stay at a hotel that they see. They go in and see the lady who apparently runs the joint and they ask her for a vacant room.
She replied, "Sure, but only if you DON'T go into the basement !".
The men agree and she gives them a room.
That night, the men are so curious that they sneak into the basement... only to find that it's full of chopped off dicks !! The woman that runs the places sees them and says, "Okay, now I'm going to have to add you all to my collection".
She asks the first man, "What does YOUR father do for a living ?" and he says "Well, my dad is in the lawnmoving business".
So the woman finds a lawnmover and off goes his dick.
The woman asks the second man, "What does YOUR father do for a living ?" and he replies in tears "My dad is in the tool supply industry".
So she finds a saw and off does his dick.
The woman then turns to the third guy only to see that he is laughing hysterically ! "Why the hell are you laughing ?!? Don't you know what's going to happen to you !?!"
He smiles and says, "Yeah, my dad is in the lollipop business - you're gonna hafta suck mine off !"…
She replied, "Sure, but only if you DON'T go into the basement !".
The men agree and she gives them a room.
That night, the men are so curious that they sneak into the basement... only to find that it's full of chopped off dicks !! The woman that runs the places sees them and says, "Okay, now I'm going to have to add you all to my collection".
She asks the first man, "What does YOUR father do for a living ?" and he says "Well, my dad is in the lawnmoving business".
So the woman finds a lawnmover and off goes his dick.
The woman asks the second man, "What does YOUR father do for a living ?" and he replies in tears "My dad is in the tool supply industry".
So she finds a saw and off does his dick.
The woman then turns to the third guy only to see that he is laughing hysterically ! "Why the hell are you laughing ?!? Don't you know what's going to happen to you !?!"
He smiles and says, "Yeah, my dad is in the lollipop business - you're gonna hafta suck mine off !"…
* Dad and Son on a road *
This guy was taking his son on a roadtrip... and the man pulls out a bottle of beer. The son looking so amazed goes "Dad can i have one ?"
The man replies "Can your dick touch ur ass ?"
The son says "No" the dad replies "Then your not old enough". A few miles later the dad pulls out a ciggarette. The son says "Dad can i have a drag". The dad goes " Can your dick touch your ass ?"
The son replies once more "No"... The dad then stops off at a gas station noticing that his son isn’t having too much fun and buys him a lottery ticket... Turns out the lottery ticket was a winning one… The dad then goes to the son "Hey how bout u share some of that with ur old man". The son then replies "Can your dick touch ur ass ?" and the dad in excitement bursts out screaming "Yes Yes Yes !" and the son replies....
"Good... go fuck yourself then..."
The man replies "Can your dick touch ur ass ?"
The son says "No" the dad replies "Then your not old enough". A few miles later the dad pulls out a ciggarette. The son says "Dad can i have a drag". The dad goes " Can your dick touch your ass ?"
The son replies once more "No"... The dad then stops off at a gas station noticing that his son isn’t having too much fun and buys him a lottery ticket... Turns out the lottery ticket was a winning one… The dad then goes to the son "Hey how bout u share some of that with ur old man". The son then replies "Can your dick touch ur ass ?" and the dad in excitement bursts out screaming "Yes Yes Yes !" and the son replies....
"Good... go fuck yourself then..."
* Construction Workers *
A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor.
He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. The man on the 3rd floor does sign language.
He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.
The man on the 1st floor knods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says, "What the fuck is wrong with you dumbass ? I said I need handsaw !!"
The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming".
He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. The man on the 3rd floor does sign language.
He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.
The man on the 1st floor knods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says, "What the fuck is wrong with you dumbass ? I said I need handsaw !!"
The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming".
* Italian honeymoon *
Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin and very inexperienced around men.
So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her.
'Don't worry Maria', says the mother. 'Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you'.
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
- 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest'.
- 'Don't worry, Maria', says his mother. 'All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you'.
So up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.
Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
- 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs'.
- 'Don't worry Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you'.
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing the better part of three toes.
When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.
- 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot-and-a-half'.
- 'Stay here and stir the pasta,' says the mother. 'This is a job for Mama !'
So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her.
'Don't worry Maria', says the mother. 'Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you'.
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
- 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest'.
- 'Don't worry, Maria', says his mother. 'All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you'.
So up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.
Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
- 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs'.
- 'Don't worry Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you'.
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing the better part of three toes.
When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.
- 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot-and-a-half'.
- 'Stay here and stir the pasta,' says the mother. 'This is a job for Mama !'
* Don't kiss girls *
There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing.
They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives.
However, one day he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his mother and asked her what they were doing.
His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will die that very minute !"
On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town.
She knew that he had never been kissed before. When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted.
She asked him, "What are you afraid of, it won't hurt".
He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very minute !!"
She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me". With that she gave him a hot one square across the lips.
He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die !!!"
She said, "Why are you going to die ?"
He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to get stiff !"
They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives.
However, one day he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his mother and asked her what they were doing.
His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will die that very minute !"
On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town.
She knew that he had never been kissed before. When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted.
She asked him, "What are you afraid of, it won't hurt".
He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very minute !!"
She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me". With that she gave him a hot one square across the lips.
He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die !!!"
She said, "Why are you going to die ?"
He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to get stiff !"
Friday, July 20, 2007
* Face lift *
A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result.
On his way home hes stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am ?"
"About 35", was the reply. "I’m actually 47", the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I’d guess you’re 29 ?"
"Nope, I am actually 47". He’s starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question, She replies "I am 85 years old and my eyesignt is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age".
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady saus, "OK, it’s done. You are 47".
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant ! How did you do that ?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds".
On his way home hes stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am ?"
"About 35", was the reply. "I’m actually 47", the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I’d guess you’re 29 ?"
"Nope, I am actually 47". He’s starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question, She replies "I am 85 years old and my eyesignt is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age".
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady saus, "OK, it’s done. You are 47".
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant ! How did you do that ?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds".
* Bigger it gets *
One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had written the word 'PENIS' in tiny letters. She turned around and scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it and began class.
The next day, she went into the room, she noticed in large letters the word 'PENIS' again, this time written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board. Each day the word was written larger than the previous day. Finally one day she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead she found the words:
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets".
The next day, she went into the room, she noticed in large letters the word 'PENIS' again, this time written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board. Each day the word was written larger than the previous day. Finally one day she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead she found the words:
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets".
* Lost old man *
When I went to lunch today, I noticed this elderly man about 75 to 80 years old sitting on a bench near the shopping centre sobbing his eyes out.
I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said, 'I have a 22year-old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly brewed coffee'.
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying ?'
He said, 'She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon'.
I asked again, 'So why are you crying ?'
He continued, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until midnight'.
I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying ?'
He answered, 'I can't remember where I live'.
I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said, 'I have a 22year-old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly brewed coffee'.
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying ?'
He said, 'She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon'.
I asked again, 'So why are you crying ?'
He continued, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until midnight'.
I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying ?'
He answered, 'I can't remember where I live'.
* Pickle slicer *
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill declined saying that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
- 'What's wrong, Bill ?' she asked.
Bill said, 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer ?'
- 'Oh Bill, you didn't,' she said.
- 'Yes, I did', said Bill.
- 'My God, Bill, what happened ?'
- 'I got fired'.
- 'No, Bill, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer ?'
- 'Oh, she got fired too'.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill declined saying that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
- 'What's wrong, Bill ?' she asked.
Bill said, 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer ?'
- 'Oh Bill, you didn't,' she said.
- 'Yes, I did', said Bill.
- 'My God, Bill, what happened ?'
- 'I got fired'.
- 'No, Bill, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer ?'
- 'Oh, she got fired too'.
* Bungee jumping *
What do bungee jumping and sex with a prostitute have in common ?
They both cost about $100.
They both last about 30 seconds.
And in both cases, if the rubber breaks, you're a dead man.
They both cost about $100.
They both last about 30 seconds.
And in both cases, if the rubber breaks, you're a dead man.
* Daddys home *
Saturday morning and Bob's just about to tee off for a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming round at noon.
So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
'Hello', says a little girl's voice.
'Hi, honey, it's Daddy', says Bob. 'Is Mummy near the phone ?'
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank'.
After a brief pause, Bob says,
'But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey'.
'Yes I do and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy'.
'Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put the phone down, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house'.
'Okay, Daddy'.
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
'Well I did what you said, Daddy'.
'And what happened ?'
'Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran round and round screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell out the front window and now I think she's all dead'.
'Oh my God... and what about Uncle Frank ?'
'He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too'.
There is a long pause, then Bob says,
'Swimming pool. . . what swimming pool ? Is this 555-*** .... ?'
So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
'Hello', says a little girl's voice.
'Hi, honey, it's Daddy', says Bob. 'Is Mummy near the phone ?'
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank'.
After a brief pause, Bob says,
'But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey'.
'Yes I do and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy'.
'Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put the phone down, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house'.
'Okay, Daddy'.
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
'Well I did what you said, Daddy'.
'And what happened ?'
'Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran round and round screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell out the front window and now I think she's all dead'.
'Oh my God... and what about Uncle Frank ?'
'He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too'.
There is a long pause, then Bob says,
'Swimming pool. . . what swimming pool ? Is this 555-*** .... ?'
* Sunday quickie *
Bill and Marla decided the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he said. "An ambulance just drove by". A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company", he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making love".
Mom and Dad bolted upright in bed. "How do you know that ?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony, too", his son replied.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he said. "An ambulance just drove by". A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company", he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making love".
Mom and Dad bolted upright in bed. "How do you know that ?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony, too", his son replied.
* Jinx *
After thirty-five years of marriage, Bernie is lying on his deathbed and with a tear in his eye he says "Annabel before I die I have to tell you something".
She replies "Yes, yes dear anything what is it ?"
He starts, "The first year we were together, I caught pneumonia and almost died. You sat by my bed and nursed me back to health".
To which the wife nods her head and he continues, "When I lost half my family in the terrible car crash, it was you by my side who kept me going.
When our kids grew up and ran away from home, you sat with me and comforted me ! And when I lost everything last year in the fire at the store, you were right by my side the whole time.
Annabel You've been through everything with me". Bernie says, "So before I die I just want you to know, you're a f*cking jinx !"
She replies "Yes, yes dear anything what is it ?"
He starts, "The first year we were together, I caught pneumonia and almost died. You sat by my bed and nursed me back to health".
To which the wife nods her head and he continues, "When I lost half my family in the terrible car crash, it was you by my side who kept me going.
When our kids grew up and ran away from home, you sat with me and comforted me ! And when I lost everything last year in the fire at the store, you were right by my side the whole time.
Annabel You've been through everything with me". Bernie says, "So before I die I just want you to know, you're a f*cking jinx !"
* Paint my house *
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition".
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words".
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house".
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition".
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words".
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house".
* Putting out the cat *
You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening.
They turned on a night light, turned on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty.
She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother".
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long", he says, as they drive away.
"Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out ! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard !"
The cabdriver veered off the road and hit a parked car.
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening.
They turned on a night light, turned on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty.
She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother".
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long", he says, as they drive away.
"Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out ! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard !"
The cabdriver veered off the road and hit a parked car.
* Dad is rich *
An eighteen-year-old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you ? I want to know !"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.
If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do ?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll try again !"
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you ? I want to know !"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.
If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do ?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll try again !"
* Get me out of here ! *
A son was placing his father into a nursing home.
"Please don't put me in there, son !" cried the old man.
The son said, "Pop, I can't take care of you & work too. I've checked the place out & it is the best one there is. I think you'll love it".
The next day the father called his son & said, "Son, you were right ! I LOVE this place, it is so great here. Thank you so much for making the decision !"
"That's swell, dad", said the son. "What makes it so great ?"
"Well", replied the dad. "Last night I was in my room & from out of nowhere, I got an erection. A nurse came in, saw me & gave me a blowjob ! I haven't had one of those in 30 or 40 years ! I'd almost forgotten what it was like ! It was fantastic !"
"That's great, dad", said the son.
A few days later the father called his son again & said "You have to get me out of here! I hate this place ! I can't live here any more !"
"What's wrong, pop ?" asked the son.
"Last night I fell down in the hallway. I was getting up and when I was on my hands & knees, a male nurse came along & sodomized me ! I CANNOT and WILL NOT live like this !"
The son said, "Dad, I know that's terrible and we'll get it straightened out, but until then, you have to understand, we have to take the good with the bad. Just hang in there".
"No, son" said the dad. "You don't understand! I get an erection maybe once a year ! I fall down two or three times a day !"
"Please don't put me in there, son !" cried the old man.
The son said, "Pop, I can't take care of you & work too. I've checked the place out & it is the best one there is. I think you'll love it".
The next day the father called his son & said, "Son, you were right ! I LOVE this place, it is so great here. Thank you so much for making the decision !"
"That's swell, dad", said the son. "What makes it so great ?"
"Well", replied the dad. "Last night I was in my room & from out of nowhere, I got an erection. A nurse came in, saw me & gave me a blowjob ! I haven't had one of those in 30 or 40 years ! I'd almost forgotten what it was like ! It was fantastic !"
"That's great, dad", said the son.
A few days later the father called his son again & said "You have to get me out of here! I hate this place ! I can't live here any more !"
"What's wrong, pop ?" asked the son.
"Last night I fell down in the hallway. I was getting up and when I was on my hands & knees, a male nurse came along & sodomized me ! I CANNOT and WILL NOT live like this !"
The son said, "Dad, I know that's terrible and we'll get it straightened out, but until then, you have to understand, we have to take the good with the bad. Just hang in there".
"No, son" said the dad. "You don't understand! I get an erection maybe once a year ! I fall down two or three times a day !"
* How a man makes love *
John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door".
John says, "Well, give me some examples".
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me".
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either".
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door ?"
John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock".
John says, "Well, give me some examples".
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me".
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either".
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door ?"
John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock".
* The prognosis *
Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again ?"
Alma agrees and again they make love.
Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey ? Please ? Just one more time before I die".
She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left ! Could we... ?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning ! You don't".
Alma agrees and again they make love.
Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey ? Please ? Just one more time before I die".
She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left ! Could we... ?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning ! You don't".
* Girl Friend *
This boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob ?"
"What ? You're crazy ???!!!" "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem".
"No !! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up".
"I've already said NO, and NO !"
"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too".
"NO !!! I've said NO !!!"
"My love.. don't be like that..."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her night gown with hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says".
Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will comedown and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom !"
"What ? You're crazy ???!!!" "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem".
"No !! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up".
"I've already said NO, and NO !"
"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too".
"NO !!! I've said NO !!!"
"My love.. don't be like that..."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her night gown with hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says".
Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will comedown and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom !"
* Naive young girl *
A naive young girl from a small town was visiting friends in San Francisco.
She phoned her mom to let her know how she was getting along.
"Things are rather strange here. I see men who hold hands, kiss and hug each other. They're called 'gays' or homosexuals.
Even more surprising, there are women here who do the same things and they are referred to as 'lesbians'.
You probably won't believe this, but some men here put their heads down on a woman's private parts and do things with their tongues".
"Good Lord", her mom said, "what do they call them ?"
"Well, after I caught my breath I called one of them PRECIOUS !"
She phoned her mom to let her know how she was getting along.
"Things are rather strange here. I see men who hold hands, kiss and hug each other. They're called 'gays' or homosexuals.
Even more surprising, there are women here who do the same things and they are referred to as 'lesbians'.
You probably won't believe this, but some men here put their heads down on a woman's private parts and do things with their tongues".
"Good Lord", her mom said, "what do they call them ?"
"Well, after I caught my breath I called one of them PRECIOUS !"
* Cops in oldies home *
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.
As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, 'Excuse me, ma'am, but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license ?'
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again.
Then the same old man jumps out of a room and says,
'Excuse me, ma'am, but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please ?'
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again, up and down the halls, weaving all over.
As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out.
He's stark naked and has an erection.
The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says,
'Oh no, not the breathalyzer again'.
As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, 'Excuse me, ma'am, but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license ?'
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again.
Then the same old man jumps out of a room and says,
'Excuse me, ma'am, but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please ?'
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again, up and down the halls, weaving all over.
As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out.
He's stark naked and has an erection.
The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says,
'Oh no, not the breathalyzer again'.
* Blondes Birthday *
A waiter was working one night, when a beautiful Blonde was seated in his section. He went over to take her order, and saw that she was crying.
"What's wrong, miss ? Are you ok ?" he asked.
Wiping tears from her eyes, she looked up at him and said, "My boyfriend just dumped me, and today is my birthday. Nice gift, isn't it ?"
The waiter talked with her a few moments, and was able to get her to stop crying. He kept a close eye on her, and when she had finished her meal, he went into the kitchen, cut a large slice from the best cake on the menu, and stuck a candle in it. He lit the candle, and brought it to her table. She looked very happy, and he was glad. He said, "Make a wish and blow !"
She closed her eyes, and made her wish. Then she came up to the waiter, got down on her knees, unzipped his pants, pulled out his cock, and started sucking on it. He had no idea why she was doing this, but she was really into it, sucking away, and playing with his balls. He knew that he should stop her-they didn't even know each others names-but hey, when you've got a hot blonde sucking on your cock, like you're really going to say, no don't suck it.
He stood there, enjoying every moment, and when she made him cum, he exploded inside her mouth, and she swallowed every drop of his huge, hot load. She looked up at him with a smile, and said, "Did you like it ?"
He said, "Yes, of course, you suck cock great... but I'm just wondering why you suddenly started sucking my cock ??"
She looked confused. "Well, I was just doing what you told me to".
Now he's confused. "What I told you to ?"
Smiling, she says, "Don't tell me you forgot already... You said, 'Make a wish and blow !'"
"What's wrong, miss ? Are you ok ?" he asked.
Wiping tears from her eyes, she looked up at him and said, "My boyfriend just dumped me, and today is my birthday. Nice gift, isn't it ?"
The waiter talked with her a few moments, and was able to get her to stop crying. He kept a close eye on her, and when she had finished her meal, he went into the kitchen, cut a large slice from the best cake on the menu, and stuck a candle in it. He lit the candle, and brought it to her table. She looked very happy, and he was glad. He said, "Make a wish and blow !"
She closed her eyes, and made her wish. Then she came up to the waiter, got down on her knees, unzipped his pants, pulled out his cock, and started sucking on it. He had no idea why she was doing this, but she was really into it, sucking away, and playing with his balls. He knew that he should stop her-they didn't even know each others names-but hey, when you've got a hot blonde sucking on your cock, like you're really going to say, no don't suck it.
He stood there, enjoying every moment, and when she made him cum, he exploded inside her mouth, and she swallowed every drop of his huge, hot load. She looked up at him with a smile, and said, "Did you like it ?"
He said, "Yes, of course, you suck cock great... but I'm just wondering why you suddenly started sucking my cock ??"
She looked confused. "Well, I was just doing what you told me to".
Now he's confused. "What I told you to ?"
Smiling, she says, "Don't tell me you forgot already... You said, 'Make a wish and blow !'"
* Men are men !! *
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table.
A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes !"
Then she hollered... "YES ! YES ! I WON !" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll ?" The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching !"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men !!
A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes !"
Then she hollered... "YES ! YES ! I WON !" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll ?" The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching !"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men !!
Sunday, July 15, 2007
* An Old Womans Wishes *
An old woman saved a fairy's life. To repay this, the fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes.
For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof ! She became young and beautiful.
For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. Poof ! She was the richest woman in the world.
For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof ! The fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth.
The old lady and the fairy said their goodbyes.
After the fairy left, the handsome man strolled over to her and asked, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered ?"
For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof ! She became young and beautiful.
For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. Poof ! She was the richest woman in the world.
For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof ! The fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth.
The old lady and the fairy said their goodbyes.
After the fairy left, the handsome man strolled over to her and asked, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered ?"
* Horny Parrot *
A guy has a horny parrot. It's terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm.
He invites his mother to tea, the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet.
The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine".
The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on ! Come on ! What are you waiting for ??"
Finally, the guy says all right and hands over the fifteen dollars.
The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain. Suddenly, "Kwah ! Kwah ! Kwah !" Feathers come flying out of the cage.
The vet says, "Holy gee", and runs across the room and opens the curtain.
The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage, pulling out all her feathers.
The vet screams, "what are you doing to my poor parrot ?"
The male parrot replies, "for fifteen bucks, I want her naked !"
He invites his mother to tea, the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet.
The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine".
The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on ! Come on ! What are you waiting for ??"
Finally, the guy says all right and hands over the fifteen dollars.
The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain. Suddenly, "Kwah ! Kwah ! Kwah !" Feathers come flying out of the cage.
The vet says, "Holy gee", and runs across the room and opens the curtain.
The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage, pulling out all her feathers.
The vet screams, "what are you doing to my poor parrot ?"
The male parrot replies, "for fifteen bucks, I want her naked !"
* Old patient *
A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment.
"What can I do for you today ?" the Doctor asked.
The aged Gentleman replied, "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath.... Doctor, I'm scarred !"
The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said, "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms ?"
The old gent's response was, "Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning !"
"What can I do for you today ?" the Doctor asked.
The aged Gentleman replied, "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath.... Doctor, I'm scarred !"
The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said, "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms ?"
The old gent's response was, "Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning !"
* Talking dog *
A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, "I'll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour".
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here".
The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink".
The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here !"
"No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you", says the man, "I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here".
The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner.
"Now, can I have my drink ?" says the dog.
The bartender is amazed. "Sure you can and it's on the house ! Listen, can you do me a favour ? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards".
"Okay", says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves.
Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog.
As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe.
The owner shouts, "Rover ! What are you doing ! You've never done this before !"
The dog shrugged. "Hell, I've never had any money before"…
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here".
The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink".
The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here !"
"No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you", says the man, "I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here".
The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner.
"Now, can I have my drink ?" says the dog.
The bartender is amazed. "Sure you can and it's on the house ! Listen, can you do me a favour ? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards".
"Okay", says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves.
Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog.
As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe.
The owner shouts, "Rover ! What are you doing ! You've never done this before !"
The dog shrugged. "Hell, I've never had any money before"…
* Passionate sex *
This couple have just met in a bar, really hit it off and gone back to her place to have wild, passionate sex.
After they have finished he lies back with a smug look on his face, "I guess that was just about the best sex you have ever had", he says.
"What makes you say that ?" asks the woman.
"Well, every time we did it, I couldn't help notice how it made your toes curl", he explains.
"Oh", says the woman, "that was just because most men wait to take off my pantyhose first".
After they have finished he lies back with a smug look on his face, "I guess that was just about the best sex you have ever had", he says.
"What makes you say that ?" asks the woman.
"Well, every time we did it, I couldn't help notice how it made your toes curl", he explains.
"Oh", says the woman, "that was just because most men wait to take off my pantyhose first".
* Mouse *
One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse.
Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door.
The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Shepherd.
The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery.
He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.
"Don't be afraid, darling", said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this".
"Get out of here !" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you !"
Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door.
The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Shepherd.
The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery.
He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.
"Don't be afraid, darling", said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this".
"Get out of here !" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you !"
* Elevator *
Three guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck they strike up a conversation.
The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E you know....
Young, urban, professional, peacefull, intelligent, ecologist".
The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y, you know...
Double Income, No kids, Yet !"
The third guy says. "I'm a R.U.B, you know....
Rich, Urban , Biker".
They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you ?"
She replies: "I'm a W.I.F.E., you know....
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc..."
The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E you know....
Young, urban, professional, peacefull, intelligent, ecologist".
The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y, you know...
Double Income, No kids, Yet !"
The third guy says. "I'm a R.U.B, you know....
Rich, Urban , Biker".
They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you ?"
She replies: "I'm a W.I.F.E., you know....
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc..."
* Dwarfs in Vegas *
Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH !" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go ?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection".
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing ?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed !"
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go ?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection".
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing ?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed !"
* Tarzan and Jane *
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.
Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.
In pain she screamed 'What the hell did you do that for ?'
Tarzan replied, 'Always check for squirrels'.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.
Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.
In pain she screamed 'What the hell did you do that for ?'
Tarzan replied, 'Always check for squirrels'.
* Lollipop salesman *
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women.
They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today.
You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.
"I'm a cop", says the first man.
"Then we will shoot your penis off !", said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a firemen", said the second man.
"Then we will burn your penis off !", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living ?"
And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman !"
They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today.
You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.
"I'm a cop", says the first man.
"Then we will shoot your penis off !", said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a firemen", said the second man.
"Then we will burn your penis off !", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living ?"
And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman !"
* I Not Come To Work *
Hung Chow calls work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work".
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that".
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again, "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got a nice house".
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that".
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again, "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got a nice house".
* Politics *
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics ?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism".
"Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people".
"The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense",
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now".
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about".
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit".
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism".
"Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people".
"The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense",
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now".
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about".
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit".
* Sex on the Back Seat *
A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and they do it again.
She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute I have to relive myself".
While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat.
He asks the guy "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me".
The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks "What're you doing in there ?"
The guy says "I'm making love to my wife".
The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home ?"
The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her".
She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute I have to relive myself".
While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat.
He asks the guy "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me".
The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks "What're you doing in there ?"
The guy says "I'm making love to my wife".
The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home ?"
The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her".
* Stupid guy *
A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head -- and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.
Friday, July 13, 2007
* Good bad & the ugly *
Good: You're pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Good: Your husband is not talking to you.
Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He's a lawyer.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do !
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Good: Your husband is not talking to you.
Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He's a lawyer.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do !
* 50 Years On *
A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, Do you remember this ?"
He looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married".
She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night".
He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember".
"Well, what was it ?" she asks.
He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out".
She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight ?"
Again he looks up at her and looks her up and down and replies, " Mission Accomplished"…
He looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married".
She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night".
He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember".
"Well, what was it ?" she asks.
He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out".
She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight ?"
Again he looks up at her and looks her up and down and replies, " Mission Accomplished"…
* The Realistic Drawin *
Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book. It looked so realistic, that when Miss Baker saw the fly sitting on the notebook, she slammed it with a ruler.
The fly didn't fly away. So she slammed the book once again, again the fly didn't fly away.
This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to pound the book with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book became a bunch of torn sheets of paper.
With the class laughing, she realized what had happened. Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny's father to school.
"You see what your son did to our class grade book ?" she said.
"That's nothing", replied the father.
"Last month, he drew a naked woman on a fence and for two weeks straight I was pulling splinters out of my dick"….
The fly didn't fly away. So she slammed the book once again, again the fly didn't fly away.
This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to pound the book with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book became a bunch of torn sheets of paper.
With the class laughing, she realized what had happened. Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny's father to school.
"You see what your son did to our class grade book ?" she said.
"That's nothing", replied the father.
"Last month, he drew a naked woman on a fence and for two weeks straight I was pulling splinters out of my dick"….
* An African King *
The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sightseeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.
The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback.
However, she remembers what her boss told her... don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her.
After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara".
The African king pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem ! I have. I have".
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France".
The African king pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build".
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one.
She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis".
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut"…..
The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback.
However, she remembers what her boss told her... don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her.
After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara".
The African king pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem ! I have. I have".
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France".
The African king pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build".
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one.
She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis".
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut"…..
* Final checkup *
A man approaching retirement went along to see the company doctor for one final checkup.
To his horror the doctor said, "I don't know quite how to put this, but your heart is on its last legs and you have only got six months to live".
"Is there nothing I can do ?" asked the shocked man.
"Well", said the doctor, "you can give up alcohol, and cut out smoking. Don't eat rich foods, no dancing, and don't even think about having sex !"
"And this will make me live longer ?" the man asked hopefully.
"No", replied the doctor, "it will just seem longer !"…
To his horror the doctor said, "I don't know quite how to put this, but your heart is on its last legs and you have only got six months to live".
"Is there nothing I can do ?" asked the shocked man.
"Well", said the doctor, "you can give up alcohol, and cut out smoking. Don't eat rich foods, no dancing, and don't even think about having sex !"
"And this will make me live longer ?" the man asked hopefully.
"No", replied the doctor, "it will just seem longer !"…
* Trip to Vegas *
George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.
Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude".
"Harriet, she's a prostitute".
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing ?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it".
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217.
"Now", he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK ?"
Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.
George asked, "How much do you charge ?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services".
Even George was taken aback.
"$125 ! I was thinking more in the range of $25".
Bambi laughed derisively.
"You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price".
"Well", said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye".
After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it !"
George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner".
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25 ?"…
Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude".
"Harriet, she's a prostitute".
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing ?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it".
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217.
"Now", he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK ?"
Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.
George asked, "How much do you charge ?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services".
Even George was taken aback.
"$125 ! I was thinking more in the range of $25".
Bambi laughed derisively.
"You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price".
"Well", said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye".
After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it !"
George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner".
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25 ?"…
* Another Naked Lady *
A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of Indians. The Indians were all prepared to kill him when the chief announced that due to the celebration of the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he would die. "What do you want for your first wish ?" asks the chief.
"I wanna talk to mah horse !" says the cowboy. He goes over to his horse and whispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. A little while later, the cowboy stumbles out of the teepee, tucking in his shirt. "What do you want for your second wish ?" says the chief.
"I wanna talk to mah horse !" says the cowboy. Again, the cowboy whispers in the horses ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. The cowboy stumbles out a little while later, and the chief asks the cowboy "What do you want for your last wish ?"
"I wanna talk to mah horse !" says the cowboy. He grabs the horse by the ears and yells, "You stupid animal, I said POSSE, POSSE !!!!"
"I wanna talk to mah horse !" says the cowboy. He goes over to his horse and whispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. A little while later, the cowboy stumbles out of the teepee, tucking in his shirt. "What do you want for your second wish ?" says the chief.
"I wanna talk to mah horse !" says the cowboy. Again, the cowboy whispers in the horses ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. The cowboy stumbles out a little while later, and the chief asks the cowboy "What do you want for your last wish ?"
"I wanna talk to mah horse !" says the cowboy. He grabs the horse by the ears and yells, "You stupid animal, I said POSSE, POSSE !!!!"
* Flea in Miami *
A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.
"Oscar, what happened to you ?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.
"I got a ride down here in some guy's moustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off", wheezed Oscar.
"Let me give you a tip, old pal", said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it ?"
So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.
"Listen", said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off".
"And so ?" asked the first flea.
"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's moustache again !"
"Oscar, what happened to you ?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.
"I got a ride down here in some guy's moustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off", wheezed Oscar.
"Let me give you a tip, old pal", said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it ?"
So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.
"Listen", said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off".
"And so ?" asked the first flea.
"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's moustache again !"
* Koala With Hooker *
A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs and finds a door open. He goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute asleep on the bed. He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing oral sex on the prostitute.
She wakes up and decides that since it feels so good she'll let him finish. The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for the door. The prostitute jumps up and yells at him "Hey, you have to pay for that". The koala shrugs and continues to head for the door.
The prostitute yells at him again, "Hey you have to pay for that. I'm a prostitute". She gets up and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows the koala the definition.
PROSTITUTE
(n.) a person receiving payment for sexual services.
The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the definition of koala bear.
KOALA
(n.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves.
She wakes up and decides that since it feels so good she'll let him finish. The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for the door. The prostitute jumps up and yells at him "Hey, you have to pay for that". The koala shrugs and continues to head for the door.
The prostitute yells at him again, "Hey you have to pay for that. I'm a prostitute". She gets up and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows the koala the definition.
PROSTITUTE
(n.) a person receiving payment for sexual services.
The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the definition of koala bear.
KOALA
(n.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves.
* In The Hotel Lobby *
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me".
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436".
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436".
* Uses of Vaseline *
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really", says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain".
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in".
"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes".
"No problem", he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body", he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, thats enough, I'll do the fucking dishes !"
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really", says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain".
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in".
"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes".
"No problem", he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body", he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, thats enough, I'll do the fucking dishes !"
* Talking clock *
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong ?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied.
"A talking clock ? Seriously ? asked his astonished friend.
"Yup", replied the drunk.
"How's it work ?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "HEY YOU JERK !!! it's ten past three in the morning !"
"What's that big brass gong ?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied.
"A talking clock ? Seriously ? asked his astonished friend.
"Yup", replied the drunk.
"How's it work ?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "HEY YOU JERK !!! it's ten past three in the morning !"
Thursday, July 12, 2007
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