Tuesday, July 03, 2007

* Georgie *

Three women sitting in a bar having a drink. Their boyfriends are all named Georgie.
One day they decide to name their boyfriends after softdrinks to tell the difference between them.
The first one says "I'll name mine 7-up because he's seven inches and always up".
The second one says "I'll name mine MOUNTAIN DEW because he likes to mount and do me".
And the third one says "I'll name mine Jack Daniels".
The others say "Hey ! That's not a softdrink that's a hard licker !".
She says "That's My Georgie !!"

* Getting screwed *

This guy goes to a whorehouse and says to the Madam, "I want to get screwed".
The Madam tells him to go up to room #12 and knock on the door. The guy walks up to the door, knocks on it, and says, "I really want to get screwed, bad !"
A very sexy voice replies "Just slide $20 under the door".
So the man slides the $20 under the door and waits... Nothing Happens ! He knocks on the door again, and yells out "I want to get screwed !"
The sexy voice behind the door answers, "Again ?"….

* New Hooker *

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.
She said "well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine".
- "Well, what did he want to do ?" they all asked.
She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much".
- "So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either".
"Finally I said, well, how much do you have" ?
The marine said that he only had $25.
The new hooker said "Well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand"
He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand..."
"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "It must have been huge, then what did you do ?"
With a big smile on her face, she said…
- "I loaned him $75 !"

* Tax Return *

There was a man who computed his taxes for 2005 & found that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:
Dear IRS:
Enclosed is my 2005 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).
This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund", as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw". (See attached article... HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw).
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and "screwdrivers".

* Blow-up dolls *

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.
So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.
After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.
The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you ?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch".
The first man asked, "How's that ?" "Well," said the second man, "When I nibbled on her breast..... she farted and flew out the window !"

* Running in the woods *

A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint.
He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead !"
The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder and runs off through the wood with the Little Rabbit.
After a while the Giraffe and the Rabbit come across an Elephant about to do a line of Coke.
The Rabbit says, "Oh, Elephant you really shouldn't do that. You should come running with us in the wood. It is much better for you".
The Elephant looks at the Rabbit looks at the line of Charlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the Giraffe and the Rabbit.
Shortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin.
The Rabbit runs up to him and says, "Hey, Bear, you shouldn't do that, think of your health. You'd be better of running in the woods with us".
The Bear looks at the Rabbit, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the Rabbit, the Giraffe and the Elephant.
After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer.
The Rabbit runs up to the Tiger and says, "Hey Tiger, you really shouldn't d that" and the Tiger immediately jumps up and starts beating the living crap out of the Rabbit.
The Giraffe grabs the Tiger and pulls him off the Rabbit and says, "What the hell are you doing, man ?"
The Tiger gets one more kick in and says, "Ah, that little f*cker really pisses me off; he always makes me run around the bloody woods when he's on Ecstasy !"

* A gift for his lady *

A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girlfriend's birthday.
As they had only started dating, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note, personal, but not too personal.
Accompanied by the girlfriend's younger sister, he went to Dillards and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items mixed up and the sister got the gloves and the girlfriend got the panties.
The guy sent the package to the girlfriend with the following note:
I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.
All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

* Business accountant *

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant.
Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated, arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had started from scratch.
"I need someone with an accounting degree", the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me".
"How's that ?" the would be accountant asked.
"I worry about a lot of things", the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back".
"I see", the accountant said. "And how much will my position pay ?"
"I'll start you at eighty five thousand", responded the owner decisively.
"Eighty five thousand dollars !" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that ?"
"That", the owner said, "is your first worry. Now get to f#*kin' work !"

* Old lover *

At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action".
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it, Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris".
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already ?"

* Castrated *

- "Doc", says Steve, "I want to be castrated".
- "What on earth for ?" asks the doctor in amazement.
- "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
- "But have you thought it through properly ?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever !"
- "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor".
- "Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment !"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
- "Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me".
- "Well", said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised".
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit ! THAT'S the word !”

* Woman's boobs *

A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs ?"
Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't... there are all kinds of breasts.
Depending on a woman's age, they are different shapes.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions".
"Onions, Dad ?"
"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry !"

* Pregnant lady *

A lady around seven months pregnant got on a street car and sat down.
She noticed the man opposite her smiling. Feeling humiliated, she promptly changed her seat.
This time, his smile turned to a grin. She changed her seat again.
He seemed still more amused.
When on the fourth change he burst out laughing, she could not bear it any longer.
She complained to the conductor, who had the man arrested.
When the date came up in court the judge asked the man if he had anything to say.
"Your honor, it was like this", he said. "When the lady came in, I could not help but notice her condition".
“She sat under a sign that read, 'Gold Dust Twins coming'. I had to smile to myself".
"Then she moved under an ad that said, 'Use Sloan's Linament to reduce that swelling'".
"When she placed herself under 'William's Stick Did It', I couldn't hold myself".
"The fourth time she sat below, 'Goodyear Rubber would have prevented this accident', and I laughed out loud !"
"Dismissed", said the judge.

* All here together *

A man and woman were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad", gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present".
Not to worry," said the dad... "the important thing is that we're all here together today".
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom still look great, Dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry".
It's nothing", said the father, "Glad you were able to be here".
Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary ! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything".
Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today".
After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.
You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college.
All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married".
The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards ?"
"Yep", said the dad... "and cheap ones too !"

* Hole behind you *

A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting.
When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting.
He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there.
While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a Lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole".
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened, and he approached her again with the same request.
She said "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must be on the 13th".
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the Lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What do you sell" ?
She replied, "if I told you, you would only laugh". "No I wouldn't", he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.
"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax".
With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said "see I knew you would laugh".
"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you !"…

* $100,000 Quiz *

Jane was a first time contestant on the $100,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.
Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents.
She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.
Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.
"I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow".
"Relax, honey", her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK".
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.
- "Where are you going ?" Jane asked.
- "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied.
Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin.
- Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer !"
- "What is it ?" she cried excitedly.
- "OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy ?'"
- "And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis'".
Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber.
At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.
- "The head, the heart, and the penis", Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.
Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth.
Once again, Jane replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.
The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
- "Jane, for $100,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy ? You have 10 seconds".
- "Hmm, uhm, the head ?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds".
- "Eh, uh, the heart ?" "Very good ! Four seconds".
- "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn ! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
- "That's close enough", said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS !!!"

* 30th Birthday *

It was my 30th birthday and I wasn't feeling too great when I woke up that morning.
I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone "Happy Birthday".
I figured, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember". The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday".
I felt a little better - at least someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me".
I said, "That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we ?" I said, "No, I guess not". She said, "Let's go to my apartment".
After arriving at her apartment, she smiled at me and said, "If you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable".
Mad at my wife for forgetting about my birthday, not to mention that Janet was quite beautiful, I felt justified in staying. "Sure", I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a few minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends.
They were all singing Happy Birthday... and there I sat on the couch... naked.

* Randy the rooster *

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster.
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem".
Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy.
The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk...
"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun", the farmer said with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked.
Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese.
Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy in the middle of the yard looking like he is dead from exhaustion.
Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself".
Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and say's, "Shhh. They're getting closer..."

* Heaven's Car *

Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big truck runs them over, killing them instantly.
They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter. "OK, you", he says, pointing to Vito, "How many times did you cheat on your wife ? And don't lie, I'm St. Peter you know".
Vito hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was with two maybe three different broads a week".
St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there, goodbye".
He looks at Eddie and asks, "How many times did you cheat on your wife ?"
Eddie replies, "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times".
St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron, goodbye".
He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife ?"
Jacob lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife ! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time !"
St. Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible, goodbye !"
A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby.
Vito asks, "Hey ! Whatsamatterwidyou ? We should be crying ! We're stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari !"
Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard !"….

* Premature *

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.
In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself".
One the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He's so horney and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board.
After a few minutes ‘slap and tickle’, they find themselves in the '69' position.
Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come.
Following doctor’s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go ?"
The man answered, "Just great, asshole... when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air !"

* Nudist colony *

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half, but accidentally sends her the bottom half of the picture.
He is really worried when he realizes that he has sent the wrong half. But then he remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says:
"Thank you for the picture. You should change your hair style... it makes your nose look too short"…

* Mailman's last day *

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
- “All this was just too wonderful for words", he said, "but what's the dollar for ?"
- "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what to give you". He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar". The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea"….

* Camel time *

There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square.
The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square.
One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir ?"
The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down.
"It's about 2:00", he says.
The tourist can't believe what he just saw.
He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story,
"The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals !"
One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens !! It is 2:05.p.m.
He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done.
He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals.
The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals". "Now, lift them up in the air.
Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall"….

* Brothel Arrest *

A young woman was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, didn't want her grandmother to know. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young woman.
The police had the all the prostitutes line up in a straight line on the sidewalk, just as grandma was passing by. As soon as she noticed her granddaughter, she stopped and asked her what she was lining up for.
Not wanting her grandmother to know the truth, the granddaughter told grandma that someone was passing out free oranges and she was lining up for some.
"That sounds good. I think I'll have some too", Grandma said, as she made her way to the back of the line.
A policeman went down the line, questioning all the prostitutes, until he reached grandma. Looking very bewildered, he said to her, "You're so old, how do you do it ?"
"It's easy", replied Grandma. "I just remove my dentures and suck them dry !"

* Super Market mistake *

This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me ?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children !"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ !" he says "are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass ?"
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"…

* Relationship secrets *

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

* Superman *

At the end of a long crime fighting day, Superman decides he needs to relax for a few hours, so he rings Spiderman to see if he'd like to go out for a drink.
Spiderman replies "No, I have to repair my web spinner".
So, Superman rings a few more of his super hero friends and they're all busy. He decides in the end to go for a quick super-fly around the world to clear his mind before bed time.
As he passes over Wonder-Woman's mansion he sees her lying naked and spread eagle next to her pool.
Hmmm he thinks, with my super powers I'll fly down for a quickie and before she realizes I'll be gone.
So he swoops down and "WHAM BAM thank you maam" and he's gone.
Wonder-Woman shreiks "What was that ?"
And the Invisible Man cries "I don't know, but I've sure got a sore ass !!!"

* Open wider *

There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.
She does and they continue.
A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider".
She does, then he says again, "A little wider, hon".
The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.
This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider ?"
So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do; get your balls in too ?"
He says "No, I'm trying to get them out"…..

* First taste of sex *

A young man goes to a whorehouse to expierence his first taste of sex.
The madam suggests that he start with 69. He decides to give it a try.
The prostitute leads him to a room, gets undressed, and instructs the young man to eat her pussy. Unfortunately, just as he starts she farts.
The young man quietly says to himself, "phew", but he goes down on her again.
A moment later she farts again. He says "phew", but continues.
Once more she farts. This time he immediately gets up and starts walking out. She asks him what's wrong, and he replies "I don't think I can take another 66 of those !"

* Hard times *

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.
She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.
She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much ?"
- "A hundred dollars".
- "Damn. All I've got is thirty".
- "Hold on", she says and runs back to Harry. "What can he get for thirty dollars ?"
- "A handjob", Harry replies.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.
He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back".
She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks ?"…

* TEACHER ARRESTED IN NEW YORK *

NEW YORK, NY - A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a box of plastic pocket protectors, and a graphing calculator.
In a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of a spinoff group, St. Atistic, of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. He also revealed that the situation was extremely tense and touch-and-go for a short time since the plastic protectors were discovered half-melted.
"Al-Gebra and particularly St. Atistic are problems for us", the Attorney said. "They recruit mean deviants who are then well trained in the use of multiple modes to search out an absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are three sides to every triangle'".
When asked to comment on the arrest, the President said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes". White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

* The philosopher and the guardian angel *

A man does a good deed and as a reward his guardian angel appears and offers him the answer to any question he wishes to ask. But she says to take his time and she will return in two days. Well the man immediately realized he could become very rich: Which stock will go up the most over the next five years ? Which horse will win the Kentucky Derby ? Who will win the next Superbowl ? etc. But then he thought, why waste this chance of a lifetime on money ? After all, money is only a means to happiness. With the right question he can determine the secret of happiness itself ! But the more he thought about it, the more he worried about tricks the angel might play: for example, suppose he asked, "What will make me the happiest man in the universe ?" And she answered, "Go live on planet Rigel III" - perhaps true, but perfectly useless.
So our careful questioner decided to take this problem to the nearest philosophy department for assistance. He put the problem to the chair. The chair loved the challenge and as it happens, they were having a departmental meeting that evening anyway, so he told the man to return the next day. When the man returned, the chair beamed and informed him that the department put its best minds together and came up with the best possible question to ask the angel - and naturally he told the man the question to ask.
The next day the angel appeared and asked, "Well, do you have a question for me ?" "Yes," the man replied with a great deal of confidence in his voice. "What are the members of the following ordered pair: the first member of the pair is the best possible question I could ask you, and the second member of the pair is the answer to that question ?" The angel smiled and said, "You know, you couldn't have asked me a better question. In fact the first member of the pair IS the question you just asked. But that means the second member is the answer I'm giving you now".

* Philosopher dream *

A philosopher falls asleep and dreams. In his dream, one by one, the greatest philosophers of all time stand before him and systematically state their views and arguments: Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, Kant, Hume, Descartes, etc. But in each case the philosopher, dramatically pointing his finger at the presenter, was able to come up with a devastating objection that left the presenting philosopher speechless and unable to effectively reply. In fact, the philosopher realized it was the same objection in every case - he had found the perfect philosophical move to make in conferences and colloquia. He forced himself to wake up and write the objection down on a convenient slip of paper, then, he drifted dreamily back to sleep with a smile on his face. When he awoke the next morning he read the words,....
"THAT’S WHAT YOU SAY !"

* Why God Never Received Tenure at a University *

1. Because he had only one major publication.
2. And it was in Hebrew.
3. And it had no cited references.
4. And it wasn't published in a refereed journal or even submitted for peer review.
5. And some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world but what has he done since ?
7. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results.
8. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
9. He expelled his first two students for learning.
10. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
11. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

* Great inventions *

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.
At the gates, Saint Peter tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven".
So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man".
So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.
When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey aren't you the inventor of woman ?"
Adam says, "Yes".
"Well", says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1) There is too much front end protusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust".
"Hmmmmm..." says Adam, "hold on".
So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.
He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours".