By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where".
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy", admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you".
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it".
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep ?" asked the manager.
"Never better". The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then ?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time", said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that ?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room", the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me".
Sunday, August 19, 2007
* Lucky ! *
A newly married Chinese couple decided to make love on their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding.
The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop nearby.
When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off.
The husband had a hard time locating a shop that sold condoms, when he finally found one, he realized that he had only 20 cents.
He asks the shop owner to sell him one condom and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted.
"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each".
So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him.
While the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband.
She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.
When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping.
Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife, mounted her and started screwing her vigorously.
The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic as she thoroughly enjoyed the session.
A year later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy.
When the baby grew up, he asked the father. "Papa, why am I black and you are white ?"
The father shouted, "You are damn lucky, 5 cents more and you would have been PURPLE !"...
The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop nearby.
When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off.
The husband had a hard time locating a shop that sold condoms, when he finally found one, he realized that he had only 20 cents.
He asks the shop owner to sell him one condom and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted.
"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each".
So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him.
While the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband.
She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.
When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping.
Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife, mounted her and started screwing her vigorously.
The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic as she thoroughly enjoyed the session.
A year later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy.
When the baby grew up, he asked the father. "Papa, why am I black and you are white ?"
The father shouted, "You are damn lucky, 5 cents more and you would have been PURPLE !"...
* Funny rash *
This guy goes to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it ?"
The doctor said "Put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work".
The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work.
The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says "Drop your pants".
The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on the man then says "Doctor it's worked !! What was that ?"
The doctor replies "Lipstick remover"…
The doctor said "Put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work".
The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work.
The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says "Drop your pants".
The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on the man then says "Doctor it's worked !! What was that ?"
The doctor replies "Lipstick remover"…
* Bob's Tatoo *
Bob had a Tatoo of a $1,000.00 bill tatoed on his winger wanger. When his friend Dave asked him why ? He replied...
"Well you see... I like to watch my money grow and sometimes I like to play with my money, and when my wife wants to go out and blow a $1,000.00 bucks I just drop my pants".
"Well you see... I like to watch my money grow and sometimes I like to play with my money, and when my wife wants to go out and blow a $1,000.00 bucks I just drop my pants".
* Smoking in the Rain *
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that ?
Lady 2: A condom.
Lady 1: Where'd you get it ?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms.
The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred.
"Doesn't matter", she replied, "as long as it fits a Camel".
The pharmacist fainted.
Lady 1: What's that ?
Lady 2: A condom.
Lady 1: Where'd you get it ?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms.
The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred.
"Doesn't matter", she replied, "as long as it fits a Camel".
The pharmacist fainted.
* Great Date *
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job ?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad ? My parents will see us !" "Oh come on ! Who's gonna see us at this hour ?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught "Oh come on ! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping !" "No way. It's just too risky !" "Oh please, please, I love you so much ?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't !" "Oh yes you can. Please ?"
"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ...
"Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom".
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad ? My parents will see us !" "Oh come on ! Who's gonna see us at this hour ?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught "Oh come on ! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping !" "No way. It's just too risky !" "Oh please, please, I love you so much ?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't !" "Oh yes you can. Please ?"
"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ...
"Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom".
* Fireman sex*
A fireman comes home from work and is all excited. He just can’t wait to tell his wife the good news about a new system that they have down at the station.
"Honey !" he says, "you’re not going to believe this ! Down at the station we have this new system and it’s so great.
When Bell #1 goes off we put on all our gear.
When Bell #2 goes off we slide down the pole and jump in the fire truck.
When Bell #3 goes off we speed to the fire in the fire truck". He excitedly tells his wife.
Triumphantly he says, We’re going to do the same thing for our sex life !
When Bell #1 goes off we are going to strip naked.
When Bell #2 goes off we will jump into bed.
When Bell #3 goes off we will screw our brains out.
Let’s give a test run. OK, ready ? "Bell #1 !" (they strip naked)
"Bell #2 !" (they hop into bed)
"Bell #3 !" (they start screwing there brains out)
A couple of minutes later the wife starts screaming "Oh, Bell #4 ! Bell #4 !".
The husband confused says,"Bell #4,… What’s that ?"
The wife screams "More hose ! More hose ! Your not reaching the fire !!!"
"Honey !" he says, "you’re not going to believe this ! Down at the station we have this new system and it’s so great.
When Bell #1 goes off we put on all our gear.
When Bell #2 goes off we slide down the pole and jump in the fire truck.
When Bell #3 goes off we speed to the fire in the fire truck". He excitedly tells his wife.
Triumphantly he says, We’re going to do the same thing for our sex life !
When Bell #1 goes off we are going to strip naked.
When Bell #2 goes off we will jump into bed.
When Bell #3 goes off we will screw our brains out.
Let’s give a test run. OK, ready ? "Bell #1 !" (they strip naked)
"Bell #2 !" (they hop into bed)
"Bell #3 !" (they start screwing there brains out)
A couple of minutes later the wife starts screaming "Oh, Bell #4 ! Bell #4 !".
The husband confused says,"Bell #4,… What’s that ?"
The wife screams "More hose ! More hose ! Your not reaching the fire !!!"
* On the train *
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in the first class carriage of a train. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip.
The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again and again he pulls out his penis and wipes the tip.
The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few more minutes pass and the man sneezes again. He again takes his penis out and wipes the tip.
The woman has finally had enough.
She turns to the man and says, 'Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it. What kind of degenerate are you ?'
The man replies, 'I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition that means when I sneeze, I have an orgasm'.
The woman, now feeling badly, says, 'Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it ?'
The man looks at her and says, 'Pepper'…
The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again and again he pulls out his penis and wipes the tip.
The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few more minutes pass and the man sneezes again. He again takes his penis out and wipes the tip.
The woman has finally had enough.
She turns to the man and says, 'Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it. What kind of degenerate are you ?'
The man replies, 'I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition that means when I sneeze, I have an orgasm'.
The woman, now feeling badly, says, 'Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it ?'
The man looks at her and says, 'Pepper'…
* Greatest breasts *
A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell, the wife answers.
"Hi is Tony home ?"
"No he went to the store".
"Well, you mind if I wait ?" "No come in".
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one".
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one.
He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together".
Nora thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Chris came over".
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me ?"
"Hi is Tony home ?"
"No he went to the store".
"Well, you mind if I wait ?" "No come in".
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one".
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one.
He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together".
Nora thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Chris came over".
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me ?"
* Snow in June *
The big-rig driver stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker who was wearing very short shorts.
"What's your name, mister ?" she inquired, after she climbed up into the truck.
"It's Snow -- Roy Snow", he answered, "and yours ?"
"Me, I'm June Hansen", she said.
"Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances ?" she challenged the trucker a few miles down the road.
"Oh, I was just thinkin' what it might be like", he drawled, "having eight inches of Snow in June ?"
"What's your name, mister ?" she inquired, after she climbed up into the truck.
"It's Snow -- Roy Snow", he answered, "and yours ?"
"Me, I'm June Hansen", she said.
"Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances ?" she challenged the trucker a few miles down the road.
"Oh, I was just thinkin' what it might be like", he drawled, "having eight inches of Snow in June ?"
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