* LOL ! *

Animated GIFs

* Good bad & the ugly *

Good: You're pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.
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Good: Your husband is not talking to you.
Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He's a lawyer.
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Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
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Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
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Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
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Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
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Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do !

* 50 Years On *

A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, Do you remember this ?"
He looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married".
She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night".
He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember".
"Well, what was it ?" she asks.
He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out".
She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight ?"
Again he looks up at her and looks her up and down and replies, " Mission Accomplished"…

* The Realistic Drawin *

Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book. It looked so realistic, that when Miss Baker saw the fly sitting on the notebook, she slammed it with a ruler.
The fly didn't fly away. So she slammed the book once again, again the fly didn't fly away.
This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to pound the book with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book became a bunch of torn sheets of paper.
With the class laughing, she realized what had happened. Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny's father to school.
"You see what your son did to our class grade book ?" she said.
"That's nothing", replied the father.
"Last month, he drew a naked woman on a fence and for two weeks straight I was pulling splinters out of my dick"….

* An African King *

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sightseeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.
The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback.
However, she remembers what her boss told her... don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her.
After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara".
The African king pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem ! I have. I have".
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France".
The African king pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build".
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one.
She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis".
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut"…..

* Final checkup *

A man approaching retirement went along to see the company doctor for one final checkup.
To his horror the doctor said, "I don't know quite how to put this, but your heart is on its last legs and you have only got six months to live".
"Is there nothing I can do ?" asked the shocked man.
"Well", said the doctor, "you can give up alcohol, and cut out smoking. Don't eat rich foods, no dancing, and don't even think about having sex !"
"And this will make me live longer ?" the man asked hopefully.
"No", replied the doctor, "it will just seem longer !"…

* Trip to Vegas *

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.
Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude".
"Harriet, she's a prostitute".
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing ?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it".
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217.
"Now", he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK ?"
Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.
George asked, "How much do you charge ?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services".
Even George was taken aback.
"$125 ! I was thinking more in the range of $25".
Bambi laughed derisively.
"You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price".
"Well", said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye".
After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it !"
George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner".
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25 ?"…

* Another Naked Lady *

A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of Indians. The Indians were all prepared to kill him when the chief announced that due to the celebration of the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he would die. "What do you want for your first wish ?" asks the chief.
"I wanna talk to mah horse !" says the cowboy. He goes over to his horse and whispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. A little while later, the cowboy stumbles out of the teepee, tucking in his shirt. "What do you want for your second wish ?" says the chief.
"I wanna talk to mah horse !" says the cowboy. Again, the cowboy whispers in the horses ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. The cowboy stumbles out a little while later, and the chief asks the cowboy "What do you want for your last wish ?"
"I wanna talk to mah horse !" says the cowboy. He grabs the horse by the ears and yells, "You stupid animal, I said POSSE, POSSE !!!!"

* Flea in Miami *

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.
"Oscar, what happened to you ?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.
"I got a ride down here in some guy's moustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off", wheezed Oscar.
"Let me give you a tip, old pal", said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it ?"
So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.
"Listen", said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off".
"And so ?" asked the first flea.
"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's moustache again !"

* Koala With Hooker *

A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs and finds a door open. He goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute asleep on the bed. He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing oral sex on the prostitute.
She wakes up and decides that since it feels so good she'll let him finish. The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for the door. The prostitute jumps up and yells at him "Hey, you have to pay for that". The koala shrugs and continues to head for the door.
The prostitute yells at him again, "Hey you have to pay for that. I'm a prostitute". She gets up and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows the koala the definition.
PROSTITUTE
(n.) a person receiving payment for sexual services.
The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the definition of koala bear.
KOALA
(n.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves.

* In The Hotel Lobby *

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me".
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436".

* Uses of Vaseline *

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really", says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain".
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in".
"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes".
"No problem", he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body", he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, thats enough, I'll do the fucking dishes !"

* Talking clock *

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong ?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied.
"A talking clock ? Seriously ? asked his astonished friend.
"Yup", replied the drunk.
"How's it work ?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "HEY YOU JERK !!! it's ten past three in the morning !"