Friday, August 31, 2007
* The sponge *
One day a little boy walked in on his mother in the shower. The boy pointed to his mother's pussy and said "What’s that mommy ?".
The mother not wanting to explain the facts of life to the boy said "that’s my sponge" the boy satisfied with the answer went out.
A few days later the boy again walked in on his mother in the shower. The night before the mother had shaved completely.
The boy noticing the difference asked the mother "where is your sponge ?".
The mother said she lost it and the boy satisfied went outside again…
All of a sudden the boy ran back in. "Mommy, mommy I found your sponge ! I was looking in Mrs.Jones back window and I saw Mrs Jones washing daddy's face with it !"
The mother not wanting to explain the facts of life to the boy said "that’s my sponge" the boy satisfied with the answer went out.
A few days later the boy again walked in on his mother in the shower. The night before the mother had shaved completely.
The boy noticing the difference asked the mother "where is your sponge ?".
The mother said she lost it and the boy satisfied went outside again…
All of a sudden the boy ran back in. "Mommy, mommy I found your sponge ! I was looking in Mrs.Jones back window and I saw Mrs Jones washing daddy's face with it !"
* Sex lives *
Four women are sitting around after a card party. They start complaining about their sex lives.
The first woman moans, "My husband is a musician. All he wants to do is sing to it".
The second woman moans, "My husband is a doctor. All he wants to do is examine it".
The third woman moans, "My husband is a psychiatrist. All he wants to do is talk about it".
A big grin on her face, the fourth woman says, "My husband's a mechanic. On our wedding night he tore hell out of it, and he has been working on it ever since".
The first woman moans, "My husband is a musician. All he wants to do is sing to it".
The second woman moans, "My husband is a doctor. All he wants to do is examine it".
The third woman moans, "My husband is a psychiatrist. All he wants to do is talk about it".
A big grin on her face, the fourth woman says, "My husband's a mechanic. On our wedding night he tore hell out of it, and he has been working on it ever since".
* Sex addict *
This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me, I just can't stop having sex !"
"Well how often do you have it ?" the doctor asks ?
"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife"
"TWICE a day", he answers back. "That's not so much", says the doctor.
"Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary".
"TWICE a day !!! Well that is probably a bit excessive", says the doctor.
"Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute".
"Well, that's definitely too much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand".
"I do", says the man. "Twice a day"…
"Well how often do you have it ?" the doctor asks ?
"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife"
"TWICE a day", he answers back. "That's not so much", says the doctor.
"Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary".
"TWICE a day !!! Well that is probably a bit excessive", says the doctor.
"Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute".
"Well, that's definitely too much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand".
"I do", says the man. "Twice a day"…
* Business *
A man goes into a shop and starts looking around. He sees a washer & dryer but there is no price listed on them.
He asks a salesman who says, "Five pounds for both of them".
"Yeah right, you've got to be joking !" the man says.
"No, that's the price", the salesman says, "Do you want to buy them or not ?"
"Yeah, I'll take them", the man says. He continues to look around and sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers.
"How much ?" he asks.
"Five pounds for the system, including installation" the salesman says.
"Is it stolen ?" the man asks incredulously.
"No", says the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not ?"
"Certainly", the man says. He looks around some more.
As the salesman is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, "Why are your prices so cheap ?"
The salesman says, "Well, the owner of the shop is at my house right now with my wife, and what he's doing to her,... I'm doing to his business !"….
He asks a salesman who says, "Five pounds for both of them".
"Yeah right, you've got to be joking !" the man says.
"No, that's the price", the salesman says, "Do you want to buy them or not ?"
"Yeah, I'll take them", the man says. He continues to look around and sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers.
"How much ?" he asks.
"Five pounds for the system, including installation" the salesman says.
"Is it stolen ?" the man asks incredulously.
"No", says the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not ?"
"Certainly", the man says. He looks around some more.
As the salesman is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, "Why are your prices so cheap ?"
The salesman says, "Well, the owner of the shop is at my house right now with my wife, and what he's doing to her,... I'm doing to his business !"….
* Prisoner *
The bride tells her husband,… "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first ?"
"OK, Sweetheart, putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'.
So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles,… "Honey, the prisoner seems to have escaped".
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him"…
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes.
But the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again !"…
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again"…
Limply turning his head, He yells at her, "Hey, it's not life imprisonment !"
"OK, Sweetheart, putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'.
So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles,… "Honey, the prisoner seems to have escaped".
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him"…
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes.
But the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again !"…
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again"…
Limply turning his head, He yells at her, "Hey, it's not life imprisonment !"
* Sexual harassment *
A man walks up to a woman in his office and says her hair smells nice.
The woman immediately goes to her supervisor and tells him she wants to file a sexual harassment suit.
Puzzled, the supervisor asks, "What’s wrong with your co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice ?"
The woman replies, "He’s a midget"…
The woman immediately goes to her supervisor and tells him she wants to file a sexual harassment suit.
Puzzled, the supervisor asks, "What’s wrong with your co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice ?"
The woman replies, "He’s a midget"…
* Making cakes *
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing ?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm… they are making cakes".
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex.
Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes".
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh ?"…
Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know ?"
The little girl says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa"…
The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing ?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm… they are making cakes".
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex.
Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes".
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh ?"…
Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know ?"
The little girl says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa"…
* The Naked Model *
Doris & Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their 2 up 2 down terrace house.
After a few days a young attractive woman applies for the room and explains that she is a model working in a nearby city centre studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room for Mondays to Thursdays but would pay for the whole week.
Doris shows her the house and they agree to start straight away. "There's just one problem" explains the model "because of my job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath ?"
"That's not a problem" replies Doris "we have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water".
"What about your husband ?" asks the model.
"Oh he plays darts most weekdays - so he will be out in the evenings", replies Doris.
"Good" says the model "that being settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight".
That evening Fred dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Doris prepares the bath for the model. After stripping off the model steps into the bath and Doris is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair. The model notices Doris's staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of her job to shave her pussy especially when modelling swim wear or underclothes.
Later when Fred returns, Doris relates this oddity and he does not believe her.
"It's true I tell you" says Doris "look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself".
The next night Fred leaves as usual and Doris prepares the bath for the model. As the model steps naked into the bath - Doris, standing behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model's naked pussy. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties, points to her own hairy mass.
Later Fed returns and they retire to bed.
"Well do you believe me now ?" she asks Fred. "Yes", he replies "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show your hairy twat ?"
"Just to show you the difference" answers Doris "but anyway you've seen my pussy millions of times ?"
"Yes", says Fred "I have... but the rest of the darts team haven't"…
After a few days a young attractive woman applies for the room and explains that she is a model working in a nearby city centre studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room for Mondays to Thursdays but would pay for the whole week.
Doris shows her the house and they agree to start straight away. "There's just one problem" explains the model "because of my job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath ?"
"That's not a problem" replies Doris "we have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water".
"What about your husband ?" asks the model.
"Oh he plays darts most weekdays - so he will be out in the evenings", replies Doris.
"Good" says the model "that being settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight".
That evening Fred dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Doris prepares the bath for the model. After stripping off the model steps into the bath and Doris is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair. The model notices Doris's staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of her job to shave her pussy especially when modelling swim wear or underclothes.
Later when Fred returns, Doris relates this oddity and he does not believe her.
"It's true I tell you" says Doris "look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself".
The next night Fred leaves as usual and Doris prepares the bath for the model. As the model steps naked into the bath - Doris, standing behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model's naked pussy. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties, points to her own hairy mass.
Later Fed returns and they retire to bed.
"Well do you believe me now ?" she asks Fred. "Yes", he replies "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show your hairy twat ?"
"Just to show you the difference" answers Doris "but anyway you've seen my pussy millions of times ?"
"Yes", says Fred "I have... but the rest of the darts team haven't"…
* Sexual Protection *
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to love him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.
The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for ?"
The elderly gentleman replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber !"…
The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for ?"
The elderly gentleman replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber !"…
* Hair in soup *
A man goes into a greasy spoon restaurant and orders a bowl of chicken soup.
"What's this ?" he screams ! "There's a pussy hair in my soup ! I'm not paying for it !" and he storms out...
The waitress gets very upset at this and follows him out and sees him go to the whore house across the street. He pays the madam and retires to a room with a lovely blonde and goes down on her with gusto.
The waitress bursts in and says, "You complain about a hair in your soup and then come over here and do THIS !" the waitress yells.
He lifts his head, turns to her and says, "Yeah... and if I find a noodle in here, I ain't paying for it EITHER !!!!!"
"What's this ?" he screams ! "There's a pussy hair in my soup ! I'm not paying for it !" and he storms out...
The waitress gets very upset at this and follows him out and sees him go to the whore house across the street. He pays the madam and retires to a room with a lovely blonde and goes down on her with gusto.
The waitress bursts in and says, "You complain about a hair in your soup and then come over here and do THIS !" the waitress yells.
He lifts his head, turns to her and says, "Yeah... and if I find a noodle in here, I ain't paying for it EITHER !!!!!"
* Perfect day *
For HER
08:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
08:30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday.
08:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.
09:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe.
12:45 Catch sight of husband's/boyfriend's ex and notice that she has gained 7 kg.
13:00 Shopping with friends. Unlimited credit.
15:00 Nap.
16:00 3 dozen red roses delivered by florist from a secret admirer.
16:15 Light workout at club followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says that he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
17:30 Choose outfit from expensive, designer wardrobe. Parade in front of full length mirror.
19:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
22:00 Hot shower (alone)
22:50 Carried to bed. Freshly ironed, crisp, new white linen.
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
23:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.
-------------------------
For HIM
06:00 Alarm
06:15 Blow job
06:30 Massive, satisfying dump whilst reading the sports pages.
07:00 Breakfast. Rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast - all cooked by naked buxom wench.
07:30 Limo arrives.
07:45 Several whiskeys en-route to airport.
09:15 Flight in personal Lear jet.
09:30 Limo to St. Andrew' s golf club (blow job en-route)
09:45 Play front nine (2 under)
11:45 Lunch. Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon.
12:15 Blow job.
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
14:15 Limo back to airport (several whiskeys)
14:30 Fly to Monte Carlo
15:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew (all nude)
16:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lb) on light tackle.
17:00 Fly home. Massage and hand job by Elle McPherson.
18:45 Shit, shower and shave.
19:00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; marijuana and porn legalised.
19:45 Dinner. Lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953); big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits.
21:00 Napoleon brandy and Cohiba cigar in front of wall-sized TV showing International Match of the Day: England 11: Germany 0.
22:45 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies).
23:30 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale.
00:15 Night cap blow job.
00:30 In bed alone.
00:35 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room.
08:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
08:30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday.
08:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.
09:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe.
12:45 Catch sight of husband's/boyfriend's ex and notice that she has gained 7 kg.
13:00 Shopping with friends. Unlimited credit.
15:00 Nap.
16:00 3 dozen red roses delivered by florist from a secret admirer.
16:15 Light workout at club followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says that he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
17:30 Choose outfit from expensive, designer wardrobe. Parade in front of full length mirror.
19:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
22:00 Hot shower (alone)
22:50 Carried to bed. Freshly ironed, crisp, new white linen.
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
23:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.
-------------------------
For HIM
06:00 Alarm
06:15 Blow job
06:30 Massive, satisfying dump whilst reading the sports pages.
07:00 Breakfast. Rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast - all cooked by naked buxom wench.
07:30 Limo arrives.
07:45 Several whiskeys en-route to airport.
09:15 Flight in personal Lear jet.
09:30 Limo to St. Andrew' s golf club (blow job en-route)
09:45 Play front nine (2 under)
11:45 Lunch. Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon.
12:15 Blow job.
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
14:15 Limo back to airport (several whiskeys)
14:30 Fly to Monte Carlo
15:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew (all nude)
16:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lb) on light tackle.
17:00 Fly home. Massage and hand job by Elle McPherson.
18:45 Shit, shower and shave.
19:00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; marijuana and porn legalised.
19:45 Dinner. Lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953); big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits.
21:00 Napoleon brandy and Cohiba cigar in front of wall-sized TV showing International Match of the Day: England 11: Germany 0.
22:45 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies).
23:30 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale.
00:15 Night cap blow job.
00:30 In bed alone.
00:35 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room.
* Existentialist *
The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: "Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre ?"
Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".
Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working.
A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream... how about with no milk ?"
Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".
Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working.
A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream... how about with no milk ?"
* She's beautiful *
This guy, about 40, walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then he pulls out a picture of a beautiful girl, about 20. He orders drink after drink after drink. Finally, the bartender asks why he's getting drunk
"I have to come home to this !" the guy says, pointing to the picture of the beautiful girl.
"What's wrong with her ?" asks the bartender. "She's beautiful and half your age !"
"Exactly. That's my daughter"…
"I have to come home to this !" the guy says, pointing to the picture of the beautiful girl.
"What's wrong with her ?" asks the bartender. "She's beautiful and half your age !"
"Exactly. That's my daughter"…
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Friday, August 24, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Monday, August 20, 2007
Sunday, August 19, 2007
* A good nights sleep *
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where".
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy", admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you".
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it".
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep ?" asked the manager.
"Never better". The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then ?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time", said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that ?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room", the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me".
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy", admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you".
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it".
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep ?" asked the manager.
"Never better". The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then ?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time", said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that ?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room", the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me".
* Lucky ! *
A newly married Chinese couple decided to make love on their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding.
The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop nearby.
When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off.
The husband had a hard time locating a shop that sold condoms, when he finally found one, he realized that he had only 20 cents.
He asks the shop owner to sell him one condom and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted.
"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each".
So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him.
While the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband.
She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.
When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping.
Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife, mounted her and started screwing her vigorously.
The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic as she thoroughly enjoyed the session.
A year later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy.
When the baby grew up, he asked the father. "Papa, why am I black and you are white ?"
The father shouted, "You are damn lucky, 5 cents more and you would have been PURPLE !"...
The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop nearby.
When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off.
The husband had a hard time locating a shop that sold condoms, when he finally found one, he realized that he had only 20 cents.
He asks the shop owner to sell him one condom and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted.
"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each".
So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him.
While the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband.
She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.
When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping.
Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife, mounted her and started screwing her vigorously.
The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic as she thoroughly enjoyed the session.
A year later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy.
When the baby grew up, he asked the father. "Papa, why am I black and you are white ?"
The father shouted, "You are damn lucky, 5 cents more and you would have been PURPLE !"...
* Funny rash *
This guy goes to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it ?"
The doctor said "Put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work".
The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work.
The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says "Drop your pants".
The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on the man then says "Doctor it's worked !! What was that ?"
The doctor replies "Lipstick remover"…
The doctor said "Put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work".
The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work.
The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says "Drop your pants".
The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on the man then says "Doctor it's worked !! What was that ?"
The doctor replies "Lipstick remover"…
* Bob's Tatoo *
Bob had a Tatoo of a $1,000.00 bill tatoed on his winger wanger. When his friend Dave asked him why ? He replied...
"Well you see... I like to watch my money grow and sometimes I like to play with my money, and when my wife wants to go out and blow a $1,000.00 bucks I just drop my pants".
"Well you see... I like to watch my money grow and sometimes I like to play with my money, and when my wife wants to go out and blow a $1,000.00 bucks I just drop my pants".
* Smoking in the Rain *
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that ?
Lady 2: A condom.
Lady 1: Where'd you get it ?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms.
The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred.
"Doesn't matter", she replied, "as long as it fits a Camel".
The pharmacist fainted.
Lady 1: What's that ?
Lady 2: A condom.
Lady 1: Where'd you get it ?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms.
The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred.
"Doesn't matter", she replied, "as long as it fits a Camel".
The pharmacist fainted.
* Great Date *
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job ?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad ? My parents will see us !" "Oh come on ! Who's gonna see us at this hour ?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught "Oh come on ! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping !" "No way. It's just too risky !" "Oh please, please, I love you so much ?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't !" "Oh yes you can. Please ?"
"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ...
"Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom".
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad ? My parents will see us !" "Oh come on ! Who's gonna see us at this hour ?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught "Oh come on ! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping !" "No way. It's just too risky !" "Oh please, please, I love you so much ?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't !" "Oh yes you can. Please ?"
"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ...
"Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom".
* Fireman sex*
A fireman comes home from work and is all excited. He just can’t wait to tell his wife the good news about a new system that they have down at the station.
"Honey !" he says, "you’re not going to believe this ! Down at the station we have this new system and it’s so great.
When Bell #1 goes off we put on all our gear.
When Bell #2 goes off we slide down the pole and jump in the fire truck.
When Bell #3 goes off we speed to the fire in the fire truck". He excitedly tells his wife.
Triumphantly he says, We’re going to do the same thing for our sex life !
When Bell #1 goes off we are going to strip naked.
When Bell #2 goes off we will jump into bed.
When Bell #3 goes off we will screw our brains out.
Let’s give a test run. OK, ready ? "Bell #1 !" (they strip naked)
"Bell #2 !" (they hop into bed)
"Bell #3 !" (they start screwing there brains out)
A couple of minutes later the wife starts screaming "Oh, Bell #4 ! Bell #4 !".
The husband confused says,"Bell #4,… What’s that ?"
The wife screams "More hose ! More hose ! Your not reaching the fire !!!"
"Honey !" he says, "you’re not going to believe this ! Down at the station we have this new system and it’s so great.
When Bell #1 goes off we put on all our gear.
When Bell #2 goes off we slide down the pole and jump in the fire truck.
When Bell #3 goes off we speed to the fire in the fire truck". He excitedly tells his wife.
Triumphantly he says, We’re going to do the same thing for our sex life !
When Bell #1 goes off we are going to strip naked.
When Bell #2 goes off we will jump into bed.
When Bell #3 goes off we will screw our brains out.
Let’s give a test run. OK, ready ? "Bell #1 !" (they strip naked)
"Bell #2 !" (they hop into bed)
"Bell #3 !" (they start screwing there brains out)
A couple of minutes later the wife starts screaming "Oh, Bell #4 ! Bell #4 !".
The husband confused says,"Bell #4,… What’s that ?"
The wife screams "More hose ! More hose ! Your not reaching the fire !!!"
* On the train *
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in the first class carriage of a train. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip.
The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again and again he pulls out his penis and wipes the tip.
The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few more minutes pass and the man sneezes again. He again takes his penis out and wipes the tip.
The woman has finally had enough.
She turns to the man and says, 'Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it. What kind of degenerate are you ?'
The man replies, 'I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition that means when I sneeze, I have an orgasm'.
The woman, now feeling badly, says, 'Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it ?'
The man looks at her and says, 'Pepper'…
The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again and again he pulls out his penis and wipes the tip.
The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few more minutes pass and the man sneezes again. He again takes his penis out and wipes the tip.
The woman has finally had enough.
She turns to the man and says, 'Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it. What kind of degenerate are you ?'
The man replies, 'I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition that means when I sneeze, I have an orgasm'.
The woman, now feeling badly, says, 'Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it ?'
The man looks at her and says, 'Pepper'…
* Greatest breasts *
A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell, the wife answers.
"Hi is Tony home ?"
"No he went to the store".
"Well, you mind if I wait ?" "No come in".
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one".
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one.
He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together".
Nora thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Chris came over".
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me ?"
"Hi is Tony home ?"
"No he went to the store".
"Well, you mind if I wait ?" "No come in".
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one".
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one.
He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together".
Nora thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Chris came over".
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me ?"
* Snow in June *
The big-rig driver stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker who was wearing very short shorts.
"What's your name, mister ?" she inquired, after she climbed up into the truck.
"It's Snow -- Roy Snow", he answered, "and yours ?"
"Me, I'm June Hansen", she said.
"Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances ?" she challenged the trucker a few miles down the road.
"Oh, I was just thinkin' what it might be like", he drawled, "having eight inches of Snow in June ?"
"What's your name, mister ?" she inquired, after she climbed up into the truck.
"It's Snow -- Roy Snow", he answered, "and yours ?"
"Me, I'm June Hansen", she said.
"Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances ?" she challenged the trucker a few miles down the road.
"Oh, I was just thinkin' what it might be like", he drawled, "having eight inches of Snow in June ?"
Friday, August 03, 2007
* Wedding night *
He didn't know what made him do it, but after their wedding night, he reached for his wallet and gave her a twenty dollar bill. What made it even worse, she gave him ten dollars change !
* In bed *
He said: Darling. Was I the first to make love to you ?
She said: Turn the light on and I'll see if I can recall your face.
Animated GIFs
She said: Turn the light on and I'll see if I can recall your face.
Animated GIFs
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
* Doctor’s news *
This guy goes into a doctor's office.
The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones ! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news ?"
The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first".
"Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live", the doctor replies.
The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible ! What could be worse than that ? What's the VERY bad news ?"
The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is... I've been trying to contact you since yesterday".
The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones ! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news ?"
The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first".
"Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live", the doctor replies.
The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible ! What could be worse than that ? What's the VERY bad news ?"
The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is... I've been trying to contact you since yesterday".
* The Rabbit and the Bull *
A rabbit is crossing a railway track and he gets hit by a train.
A bull sees that, starts laughing and says: "HAHAH, you have such big ears and you didn't hear the train".
The rabbit, picking himself up from the floor, says: "Yeah, yeah, you have such big balls and a veterinarian has to fuck your cow !"
A bull sees that, starts laughing and says: "HAHAH, you have such big ears and you didn't hear the train".
The rabbit, picking himself up from the floor, says: "Yeah, yeah, you have such big balls and a veterinarian has to fuck your cow !"
* God, the Angel and the Devil *
There was an angel that loved to screw people in the ass, so one day God invited him and told him that if he didn't stop what he was doing, he would be sent to hell.
Anyway, it took 2 days for the angel to disregard the warning, so God sent him to hell.
After about 2 weeks God heard that fires in hell were starting to cool down. God went to see the devil and he asked him: "Hey ! What's this ? Light some fires, it' s freezing here !!"
And the devil answered: "Yeah right ! You bend over and light some fires !"
Anyway, it took 2 days for the angel to disregard the warning, so God sent him to hell.
After about 2 weeks God heard that fires in hell were starting to cool down. God went to see the devil and he asked him: "Hey ! What's this ? Light some fires, it' s freezing here !!"
And the devil answered: "Yeah right ! You bend over and light some fires !"
* The employed canibals *
A big corporation hired several cannibals.
- "You are all part of our team now", said the manager during the welcome briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised they would not.
A few weeks later the cannibals' boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her ?"
The cannibals all shook their heads, "No", they said.
After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others angrily, "Right, which one of you idiots ate the secretary ?" A hand rose hesitantly in admission.
- "You fool !" said the leader, "For weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything, but nooo, you had to go and eat someone important !..."
- "You are all part of our team now", said the manager during the welcome briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised they would not.
A few weeks later the cannibals' boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her ?"
The cannibals all shook their heads, "No", they said.
After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others angrily, "Right, which one of you idiots ate the secretary ?" A hand rose hesitantly in admission.
- "You fool !" said the leader, "For weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything, but nooo, you had to go and eat someone important !..."
* Evolution of the children *
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy:
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the tree outside ?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside ?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God ?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there he doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside ?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the grass outside ?
TOMMY: Yesssssssss (getting tired of the questions by this time).
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky ?
TOMMY: Yessssssssss.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher ?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain ?
TOMMY: No.
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, he must not have one !.pass it.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the tree outside ?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside ?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God ?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there he doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside ?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the grass outside ?
TOMMY: Yesssssssss (getting tired of the questions by this time).
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky ?
TOMMY: Yessssssssss.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher ?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain ?
TOMMY: No.
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, he must not have one !.pass it.
* Bar conversation *
HE: Can I buy you a drink ?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once ? Or was it twice ?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful ?
SHE: I must've been given your share.
HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday ?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.
HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why ? Are you leaving ?
HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me ?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE: Can I have your name ?
SHE: Why ? Don't you already have one ?
HE: Shall we go see a movie ?
SHE: I've already seen it.
HE: Where have you been all my life ?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you some place before ?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty ?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living ?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign ?
SHE: Do not enter.
HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happyness.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably dying of laughing.
HE: Where have you been all my life ?
SHE: In your wildest dreams….
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once ? Or was it twice ?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful ?
SHE: I must've been given your share.
HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday ?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.
HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why ? Are you leaving ?
HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me ?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE: Can I have your name ?
SHE: Why ? Don't you already have one ?
HE: Shall we go see a movie ?
SHE: I've already seen it.
HE: Where have you been all my life ?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you some place before ?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty ?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living ?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign ?
SHE: Do not enter.
HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happyness.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably dying of laughing.
HE: Where have you been all my life ?
SHE: In your wildest dreams….
* The Goony bird *
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment. This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth. The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird ! The table !" Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws ! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird ! The shelf !" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds. "Wow !" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will !" So she bought the bird and took it home. When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey !" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you ! A Goony bird !" The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot !"….
* The stupid dog *
A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door. "An' wot's this then ?" he asked.
The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.
"You dumb dog". As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket. The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day. The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb. "Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know ?"
Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright", as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.
The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home.
The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.
"Hey, what are you doing ?
That's a really smart dog you've got there", comments the butcher.
"He's a stupid dog -- that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.
The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.
"You dumb dog". As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket. The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day. The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb. "Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know ?"
Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright", as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.
The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home.
The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.
"Hey, what are you doing ?
That's a really smart dog you've got there", comments the butcher.
"He's a stupid dog -- that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.
* Chicken questions *
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road ?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road ?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders !
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice ?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.
Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road ?
A: To take over the other side.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground ?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach ?
A: To get to the other tide.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road ?
A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet…
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road ?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders !
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice ?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.
Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road ?
A: To take over the other side.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground ?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach ?
A: To get to the other tide.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road ?
A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet…
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