* Check your Dirty IQ *

Questions...
1. When I go in, I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I ?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I ?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I ?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I ?
5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I ?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. What am I ?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I ?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I ?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I ?
10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I ?

Answers:
1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4.chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course !

Now Really !!! Just what were you thinking ?



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* 60 Things Not to Say *

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you ?
4. Why don't we just cuddle ?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that ?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim ?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it ?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you ?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies ?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow ?
29. Every heard of clearasil ?
30. All right, a treasure hunt !
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you ?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this ?
36. But it still works, right ?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids ?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes ?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt ?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold ?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion ?
49. What is that ?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered ?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump ?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings ?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button ?
60. Where's the rest of it ?

* Bad Doctor *

A beautfiul woman walks into a doctors office and the doctor is awestruck. All his professionalism goes out the window.
He tells her to take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs.
He says "Do you know what I am doing ?"
She replies "Yes, checking for abnormalities".
He tells her to take off her shrit and bra and he starts rubbing her breats. He says "Do you know what I am doing now ?"
She replies "Yes, checking for lumps and cancer".
Finally, he tells he takes off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her, and starts having sex with her. He says "Do you know what I am doing now ?"
She replies "Yes, getting herpies. That's why I am here"…

* Life in reverse *

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough.
It takes up a lot of your time and what do you get at the end of it ?
A death.
What's that, a bonus ?
I think the life cycle is all backward.
You should die first, get it out of the way.
Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm.

* Occupational Hazard *

Three men are on a road trip when they pull over to stay at a hotel that they see. They go in and see the lady who apparently runs the joint and they ask her for a vacant room.
She replied, "Sure, but only if you DON'T go into the basement !".
The men agree and she gives them a room.
That night, the men are so curious that they sneak into the basement... only to find that it's full of chopped off dicks !! The woman that runs the places sees them and says, "Okay, now I'm going to have to add you all to my collection".
She asks the first man, "What does YOUR father do for a living ?" and he says "Well, my dad is in the lawnmoving business".
So the woman finds a lawnmover and off goes his dick.
The woman asks the second man, "What does YOUR father do for a living ?" and he replies in tears "My dad is in the tool supply industry".
So she finds a saw and off does his dick.
The woman then turns to the third guy only to see that he is laughing hysterically ! "Why the hell are you laughing ?!? Don't you know what's going to happen to you !?!"
He smiles and says, "Yeah, my dad is in the lollipop business - you're gonna hafta suck mine off !"…

* Dad and Son on a road *

This guy was taking his son on a roadtrip... and the man pulls out a bottle of beer. The son looking so amazed goes "Dad can i have one ?"
The man replies "Can your dick touch ur ass ?"
The son says "No" the dad replies "Then your not old enough". A few miles later the dad pulls out a ciggarette. The son says "Dad can i have a drag". The dad goes " Can your dick touch your ass ?"
The son replies once more "No"... The dad then stops off at a gas station noticing that his son isn’t having too much fun and buys him a lottery ticket... Turns out the lottery ticket was a winning one… The dad then goes to the son "Hey how bout u share some of that with ur old man". The son then replies "Can your dick touch ur ass ?" and the dad in excitement bursts out screaming "Yes Yes Yes !" and the son replies....
"Good... go fuck yourself then..."

* Construction Workers *

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor.
He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. The man on the 3rd floor does sign language.
He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.
The man on the 1st floor knods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says, "What the fuck is wrong with you dumbass ? I said I need handsaw !!"
The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming".

* Italian honeymoon *

Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin and very inexperienced around men.
So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her.
'Don't worry Maria', says the mother. 'Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you'.
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
- 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest'.
- 'Don't worry, Maria', says his mother. 'All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you'.
So up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.
Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
- 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs'.
- 'Don't worry Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you'.
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing the better part of three toes.
When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.
- 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot-and-a-half'.
- 'Stay here and stir the pasta,' says the mother. 'This is a job for Mama !'

* Don't kiss girls *

There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing.
They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives.
However, one day he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his mother and asked her what they were doing.
His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will die that very minute !"
On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town.
She knew that he had never been kissed before. When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted.
She asked him, "What are you afraid of, it won't hurt".
He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very minute !!"
She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me". With that she gave him a hot one square across the lips.
He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die !!!"
She said, "Why are you going to die ?"
He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to get stiff !"

Mr. Bean

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* Face lift *

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result.
On his way home hes stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am ?"
"About 35", was the reply. "I’m actually 47", the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I’d guess you’re 29 ?"
"Nope, I am actually 47". He’s starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question, She replies "I am 85 years old and my eyesignt is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age".
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady saus, "OK, it’s done. You are 47".
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant ! How did you do that ?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds".

* Bigger it gets *

One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had written the word 'PENIS' in tiny letters. She turned around and scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it and began class.
The next day, she went into the room, she noticed in large letters the word 'PENIS' again, this time written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board. Each day the word was written larger than the previous day. Finally one day she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead she found the words:
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets".

* Lost old man *

When I went to lunch today, I noticed this elderly man about 75 to 80 years old sitting on a bench near the shopping centre sobbing his eyes out.
I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said, 'I have a 22year-old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly brewed coffee'.
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying ?'
He said, 'She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon'.
I asked again, 'So why are you crying ?'
He continued, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until midnight'.
I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying ?'
He answered, 'I can't remember where I live'.

* Pickle slicer *

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill declined saying that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
- 'What's wrong, Bill ?' she asked.
Bill said, 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer ?'
- 'Oh Bill, you didn't,' she said.
- 'Yes, I did', said Bill.
- 'My God, Bill, what happened ?'
- 'I got fired'.
- 'No, Bill, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer ?'
- 'Oh, she got fired too'.

* Bungee jumping *

What do bungee jumping and sex with a prostitute have in common ?
They both cost about $100.
They both last about 30 seconds.
And in both cases, if the rubber breaks, you're a dead man.

* Daddys home *

Saturday morning and Bob's just about to tee off for a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming round at noon.
So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
'Hello', says a little girl's voice.
'Hi, honey, it's Daddy', says Bob. 'Is Mummy near the phone ?'
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank'.
After a brief pause, Bob says,
'But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey'.
'Yes I do and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy'.
'Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put the phone down, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house'.
'Okay, Daddy'.
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
'Well I did what you said, Daddy'.
'And what happened ?'
'Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran round and round screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell out the front window and now I think she's all dead'.
'Oh my God... and what about Uncle Frank ?'
'He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too'.
There is a long pause, then Bob says,
'Swimming pool. . . what swimming pool ? Is this 555-*** .... ?'

* Sunday quickie *

Bill and Marla decided the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he said. "An ambulance just drove by". A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company", he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making love".
Mom and Dad bolted upright in bed. "How do you know that ?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony, too", his son replied.

* Jinx *

After thirty-five years of marriage, Bernie is lying on his deathbed and with a tear in his eye he says "Annabel before I die I have to tell you something".
She replies "Yes, yes dear anything what is it ?"
He starts, "The first year we were together, I caught pneumonia and almost died. You sat by my bed and nursed me back to health".
To which the wife nods her head and he continues, "When I lost half my family in the terrible car crash, it was you by my side who kept me going.
When our kids grew up and ran away from home, you sat with me and comforted me ! And when I lost everything last year in the fire at the store, you were right by my side the whole time.
Annabel You've been through everything with me". Bernie says, "So before I die I just want you to know, you're a f*cking jinx !"

* Paint my house *

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition".
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words".
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house".

* Putting out the cat *

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening.
They turned on a night light, turned on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty.
She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother".
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long", he says, as they drive away.
"Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out ! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard !"
The cabdriver veered off the road and hit a parked car.

* Dad is rich *

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you ? I want to know !"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.
If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do ?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll try again !"

* Get me out of here ! *

A son was placing his father into a nursing home.
"Please don't put me in there, son !" cried the old man.
The son said, "Pop, I can't take care of you & work too. I've checked the place out & it is the best one there is. I think you'll love it".
The next day the father called his son & said, "Son, you were right ! I LOVE this place, it is so great here. Thank you so much for making the decision !"
"That's swell, dad", said the son. "What makes it so great ?"
"Well", replied the dad. "Last night I was in my room & from out of nowhere, I got an erection. A nurse came in, saw me & gave me a blowjob ! I haven't had one of those in 30 or 40 years ! I'd almost forgotten what it was like ! It was fantastic !"
"That's great, dad", said the son.
A few days later the father called his son again & said "You have to get me out of here! I hate this place ! I can't live here any more !"
"What's wrong, pop ?" asked the son.
"Last night I fell down in the hallway. I was getting up and when I was on my hands & knees, a male nurse came along & sodomized me ! I CANNOT and WILL NOT live like this !"
The son said, "Dad, I know that's terrible and we'll get it straightened out, but until then, you have to understand, we have to take the good with the bad. Just hang in there".
"No, son" said the dad. "You don't understand! I get an erection maybe once a year ! I fall down two or three times a day !"

* How a man makes love *

John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door".
John says, "Well, give me some examples".
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me".
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either".
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door ?"
John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock".

* The prognosis *

Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again ?"
Alma agrees and again they make love.
Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey ? Please ? Just one more time before I die".
She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left ! Could we... ?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning ! You don't".

* Girl Friend *

This boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob ?"
"What ? You're crazy ???!!!" "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem".
"No !! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up".
"I've already said NO, and NO !"
"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too".
"NO !!! I've said NO !!!"
"My love.. don't be like that..."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her night gown with hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says".
Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will comedown and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom !"

* Naive young girl *

A naive young girl from a small town was visiting friends in San Francisco.
She phoned her mom to let her know how she was getting along.
"Things are rather strange here. I see men who hold hands, kiss and hug each other. They're called 'gays' or homosexuals.
Even more surprising, there are women here who do the same things and they are referred to as 'lesbians'.
You probably won't believe this, but some men here put their heads down on a woman's private parts and do things with their tongues".
"Good Lord", her mom said, "what do they call them ?"
"Well, after I caught my breath I called one of them PRECIOUS !"

* Cops in oldies home *

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.
As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, 'Excuse me, ma'am, but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license ?'
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again.
Then the same old man jumps out of a room and says,
'Excuse me, ma'am, but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please ?'
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again, up and down the halls, weaving all over.
As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out.
He's stark naked and has an erection.
The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says,
'Oh no, not the breathalyzer again'.

* Blondes Birthday *

A waiter was working one night, when a beautiful Blonde was seated in his section. He went over to take her order, and saw that she was crying.
"What's wrong, miss ? Are you ok ?" he asked.
Wiping tears from her eyes, she looked up at him and said, "My boyfriend just dumped me, and today is my birthday. Nice gift, isn't it ?"
The waiter talked with her a few moments, and was able to get her to stop crying. He kept a close eye on her, and when she had finished her meal, he went into the kitchen, cut a large slice from the best cake on the menu, and stuck a candle in it. He lit the candle, and brought it to her table. She looked very happy, and he was glad. He said, "Make a wish and blow !"
She closed her eyes, and made her wish. Then she came up to the waiter, got down on her knees, unzipped his pants, pulled out his cock, and started sucking on it. He had no idea why she was doing this, but she was really into it, sucking away, and playing with his balls. He knew that he should stop her-they didn't even know each others names-but hey, when you've got a hot blonde sucking on your cock, like you're really going to say, no don't suck it.
He stood there, enjoying every moment, and when she made him cum, he exploded inside her mouth, and she swallowed every drop of his huge, hot load. She looked up at him with a smile, and said, "Did you like it ?"
He said, "Yes, of course, you suck cock great... but I'm just wondering why you suddenly started sucking my cock ??"
She looked confused. "Well, I was just doing what you told me to".
Now he's confused. "What I told you to ?"
Smiling, she says, "Don't tell me you forgot already... You said, 'Make a wish and blow !'"

* Men are men !! *

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table.
A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes !"
Then she hollered... "YES ! YES ! I WON !" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll ?" The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching !"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men !!

Week-end jocking pics

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New UN Flag...

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Old woman

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Liar Bill

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Panicked bull...

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War on terrorism....

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Bubble gum baloon effect...

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Dissapointing view...

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whitout words...

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The Axe-Effect

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Penguin's friendly slam

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Desk's sex...

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Dangerous shut...

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Jumping on the Moon

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Ooops....

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"Biped" horse

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Fun Polar Bear

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laffing Donkey

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* An Old Womans Wishes *

An old woman saved a fairy's life. To repay this, the fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes.
For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof ! She became young and beautiful.
For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. Poof ! She was the richest woman in the world.
For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof ! The fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth.
The old lady and the fairy said their goodbyes.
After the fairy left, the handsome man strolled over to her and asked, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered ?"

* Horny Parrot *

A guy has a horny parrot. It's terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm.
He invites his mother to tea, the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet.
The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine".
The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on ! Come on ! What are you waiting for ??"
Finally, the guy says all right and hands over the fifteen dollars.
The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain. Suddenly, "Kwah ! Kwah ! Kwah !" Feathers come flying out of the cage.
The vet says, "Holy gee", and runs across the room and opens the curtain.
The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage, pulling out all her feathers.
The vet screams, "what are you doing to my poor parrot ?"
The male parrot replies, "for fifteen bucks, I want her naked !"

* Old patient *

A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment.
"What can I do for you today ?" the Doctor asked.
The aged Gentleman replied, "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath.... Doctor, I'm scarred !"
The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said, "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms ?"
The old gent's response was, "Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning !"

* Talking dog *

A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, "I'll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour".
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here".
The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink".
The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here !"
"No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you", says the man, "I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here".
The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner.
"Now, can I have my drink ?" says the dog.
The bartender is amazed. "Sure you can and it's on the house ! Listen, can you do me a favour ? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards".
"Okay", says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves.
Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog.
As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe.
The owner shouts, "Rover ! What are you doing ! You've never done this before !"
The dog shrugged. "Hell, I've never had any money before"…

* Passionate sex *

This couple have just met in a bar, really hit it off and gone back to her place to have wild, passionate sex.
After they have finished he lies back with a smug look on his face, "I guess that was just about the best sex you have ever had", he says.
"What makes you say that ?" asks the woman.
"Well, every time we did it, I couldn't help notice how it made your toes curl", he explains.
"Oh", says the woman, "that was just because most men wait to take off my pantyhose first".

* Mouse *

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse.
Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door.
The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Shepherd.
The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery.
He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.
"Don't be afraid, darling", said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this".
"Get out of here !" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you !"

* Elevator *

Three guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck they strike up a conversation.
The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E you know....
Young, urban, professional, peacefull, intelligent, ecologist".
The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y, you know...
Double Income, No kids, Yet !"
The third guy says. "I'm a R.U.B, you know....
Rich, Urban , Biker".
They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you ?"
She replies: "I'm a W.I.F.E., you know....
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc..."

* Dwarfs in Vegas *

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH !" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go ?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection".
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing ?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed !"

* Tarzan and Jane *

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.
Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.
In pain she screamed 'What the hell did you do that for ?'
Tarzan replied, 'Always check for squirrels'.

* Lollipop salesman *

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women.
They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today.
You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.
"I'm a cop", says the first man.
"Then we will shoot your penis off !", said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a firemen", said the second man.
"Then we will burn your penis off !", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living ?"
And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman !"

* I Not Come To Work *

Hung Chow calls work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work".
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that".
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again, "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got a nice house".

* Politics *

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics ?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism".
"Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people".
"The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense",
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now".
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about".
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit".

* Sex on the Back Seat *

A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and they do it again.
She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute I have to relive myself".
While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat.
He asks the guy "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me".
The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks "What're you doing in there ?"
The guy says "I'm making love to my wife".
The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home ?"
The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her".

* Stupid guy *

A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head -- and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

* LOL ! *

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* Good bad & the ugly *

Good: You're pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.
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Good: Your husband is not talking to you.
Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He's a lawyer.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do !

* 50 Years On *

A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, Do you remember this ?"
He looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married".
She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night".
He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember".
"Well, what was it ?" she asks.
He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out".
She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight ?"
Again he looks up at her and looks her up and down and replies, " Mission Accomplished"…

* The Realistic Drawin *

Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book. It looked so realistic, that when Miss Baker saw the fly sitting on the notebook, she slammed it with a ruler.
The fly didn't fly away. So she slammed the book once again, again the fly didn't fly away.
This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to pound the book with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book became a bunch of torn sheets of paper.
With the class laughing, she realized what had happened. Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny's father to school.
"You see what your son did to our class grade book ?" she said.
"That's nothing", replied the father.
"Last month, he drew a naked woman on a fence and for two weeks straight I was pulling splinters out of my dick"….

* An African King *

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sightseeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.
The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback.
However, she remembers what her boss told her... don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her.
After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara".
The African king pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem ! I have. I have".
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France".
The African king pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build".
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one.
She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis".
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut"…..

* Final checkup *

A man approaching retirement went along to see the company doctor for one final checkup.
To his horror the doctor said, "I don't know quite how to put this, but your heart is on its last legs and you have only got six months to live".
"Is there nothing I can do ?" asked the shocked man.
"Well", said the doctor, "you can give up alcohol, and cut out smoking. Don't eat rich foods, no dancing, and don't even think about having sex !"
"And this will make me live longer ?" the man asked hopefully.
"No", replied the doctor, "it will just seem longer !"…

* Trip to Vegas *

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.
Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude".
"Harriet, she's a prostitute".
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing ?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it".
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217.
"Now", he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK ?"
Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.
George asked, "How much do you charge ?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services".
Even George was taken aback.
"$125 ! I was thinking more in the range of $25".
Bambi laughed derisively.
"You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price".
"Well", said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye".
After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it !"
George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner".
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25 ?"…

* Another Naked Lady *

A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of Indians. The Indians were all prepared to kill him when the chief announced that due to the celebration of the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he would die. "What do you want for your first wish ?" asks the chief.
"I wanna talk to mah horse !" says the cowboy. He goes over to his horse and whispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. A little while later, the cowboy stumbles out of the teepee, tucking in his shirt. "What do you want for your second wish ?" says the chief.
"I wanna talk to mah horse !" says the cowboy. Again, the cowboy whispers in the horses ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. The cowboy stumbles out a little while later, and the chief asks the cowboy "What do you want for your last wish ?"
"I wanna talk to mah horse !" says the cowboy. He grabs the horse by the ears and yells, "You stupid animal, I said POSSE, POSSE !!!!"

* Flea in Miami *

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.
"Oscar, what happened to you ?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.
"I got a ride down here in some guy's moustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off", wheezed Oscar.
"Let me give you a tip, old pal", said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it ?"
So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.
"Listen", said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off".
"And so ?" asked the first flea.
"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's moustache again !"

* Koala With Hooker *

A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs and finds a door open. He goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute asleep on the bed. He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing oral sex on the prostitute.
She wakes up and decides that since it feels so good she'll let him finish. The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for the door. The prostitute jumps up and yells at him "Hey, you have to pay for that". The koala shrugs and continues to head for the door.
The prostitute yells at him again, "Hey you have to pay for that. I'm a prostitute". She gets up and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows the koala the definition.
PROSTITUTE
(n.) a person receiving payment for sexual services.
The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the definition of koala bear.
KOALA
(n.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves.

* In The Hotel Lobby *

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me".
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436".

* Uses of Vaseline *

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really", says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain".
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in".
"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes".
"No problem", he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body", he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, thats enough, I'll do the fucking dishes !"

* Talking clock *

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong ?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied.
"A talking clock ? Seriously ? asked his astonished friend.
"Yup", replied the drunk.
"How's it work ?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "HEY YOU JERK !!! it's ten past three in the morning !"

Don't angry !...

Animated GIFs

What we are in our own country ?....

Animated GIFs

When Ro will be a democracy....

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Shaking Hardy

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Dancing George...

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Shaking Adolf

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Laurel & Hardy

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Fat stripper...

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"Fat Dance" (back)

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"Fat Dance" (front)

Animated GIFs

Tom Cruise "shocked"....

Animated GIFs

Monkey

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* Masturbating with a hammer ?!? *

A guy comes to his friend and finds him beating his dick with a hammer.
- What are you doing ?
- I'm masturbating.
- Masturbating with a hammer!? Are you enjoying it at all ?
- Yes, each time I miss it.

* Men belly *

A bachelor has no belly because when he opens a fridge he says:
- "Fuck it, the same again !" and then goes to the bed.
Married man has belly because when he comes to the bad he says:
- "Fuck it, the same again !" and then goes and opens the fridge.

* The aspirin *

Two girls:
- Which is the best contraceptive ?
- An aspirin.
- ???
- Take an aspirin, put it between the knees and keep it tight.

* Halloween Party *

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said:
- Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.
- Did you dance much ?
- I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

* A masculine or a feminine noun ?!? *

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
- "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa". "Pencil", however, is masculine: "el lápiz".
A student asked what gender is 'computer' ? Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and…
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and…
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.

* Blackmailed... *

A woman and her lover are in the house while the husband is at work. Her nine year old son comes in, and after seeing them making love he hides in the wardrobe and watches them. All of a sudden the husband comes. Wife hides her lover in the wardrobe, without knowing that her son is in there. Boy:
- It's dark here.
- Yes it is.
- I've got a soccer ball.
- That's nice.
- Do you want to buy it ?
- No, thanks.
- My dad is outside.
- Ok, how much ?
- 250 dollars.
After a few weeks man and boy run into each other again in the wardrobe. Boy:
- It's dark here.
- Yes it is.
- I've got a soccer cleats.
Remembering what happened last time, man asks:
- How much ?
- 750 dollars.
- Ok.
After few days, father says to his son:
- Lets go and play soccer.
- I can't, I sold the ball and the cleats.
- How much did you get ?
- 1000 dollars.
- That is terrible, how could you ask so much money.... that's much more than they are worth. That's a sin, so you should go to the church and confess.
Father takes his son to the church confessional. Boy gets in, closes the door and says:
- It's dark here.
Priest:
- Don't start with that shit again !!!...

* The soup *

In a restaurant, a man ordered soup but, as soon as it arrived, he had to go to the bathroom. To make sure that nobody touched his soup while he is away, he wrote on a napkin: "I SPIT IN THE SOUP".
When he returned, he found another message on napkin: "ME, TOO".

* The quartet *

Two friends:
- I heard that you have made a band.
- Yes, it's a quartet.
- How many of you are there ?
- There are three.
- Three ?
- Me and my brother.
- You have a brother ?
- No, why do you ask ?

* Chasing elephants *

A man is driving on a city bus with a newspaper on his knee. From time to time, he rips a piece off, ripping that piece into smaller ones and throwing them out the window. A passenger standing near him asks:
- Excuse me, why are you throwing pieces of paper out the window ?
- I’m chasing away the elephants
- Chasing elephants ? There aren’t elephants in the city.
- Well that means it's working !

* Policeman wife *

A policeman sent his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife.
- No darling, we can’t do it here, our kid is watching us.
- You are right, lets go to the beach.
After a while, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks in on them.
- Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can’t do that in public.
- You are right - said the husband - but I had a moment of weakness. We didn’t see each other for a week. By the way, I am a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me.
- Don’t worry, you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay for it.

* Police car directionals *

Two policemen are in a patrol car:
- Could you check if the directionals work on your side of the car ?
The other policeman looks through the window and says:
- Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no...

* Policeman shoes *

A policeman comes to the office with one black shoe and one white shoe. His boss starts to yell at him:
- You are ruining police reputation, go home and change the shoes.
The policeman goes home, and comes back after a while.
- Boss I have a problem, the other pair of shoes at home are black and white, too.

* Policemen in action *

Two policemen are going to work:
- Shall we take a bus or walk ?
- Well, lets see what arrives first.

* Pinocchio *

Pinocchio talks to Gepetto:
- Daddy my dick is all jagged and crooked so I have no success with girls.
- You know, my son, I didn’t care too much about that detail, but that should not be a problem. Go to the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it.
After some time, Gepetto asks Pinocchio:
- Well, did you resolve the problem with the girls ?
- Daddy, since I got the sandpaper who needs the girls anymore.

* Emergency call *

One man calls emergency:
- Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom !
After five minutes, the same man calls back:
- It is OK, I found another one.

One woman stops a taxi.
- To the airport, please.
After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says:
- You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today.
- Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant.
- Well, you haven’t arrived to the airport yet neither.

* Child questions *

A little boy asked his mother:
- Mummy, why are you white and I am black ?
- Don’t even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don’t bark.

* Group sex *

Two friends:
- Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come ?
- Of course ! How many people are coming ?
- Three, if you bring your girlfriend.

* Kittens *

A little boy was walking down the street pulling a wagon with a new litter of kittens in it.
Bill Clinton approached him and said "What cute little kittens you have there, young man. What kind are they ?"
The little boy said, "They're Democrats". Bill Clinton said, "Oh, how nice" and moved on.
A week are so later, the little boy is again pulling the kittens down the street.
Bill Clinton and George Bush are walking together and approach the little boy.
George Bush said, "Those are some cute kittens. What kind are they ?" The little boy said, "They're Republicans".
Bill Clinton said, "Now, wait just a minute ! Last time I saw you with those same kittens, you told me they were Democrats".
The little boy smiled and replied, "Yes Sir, but they have their eyes open now"…

* Beer brewers *

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona".
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser". The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors". He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke".
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness ?"
The Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I".

* Computer doctor *

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor".
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00".
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better....

* Finally fertile *

While the bar patron savoured a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him.
The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating".
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating ?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child", she answered, "Today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant !"
"Congratulations", the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile".
"How did it happen ?"
"I switched cocks".
"What a coincidence", she said, smiling.

* Trip to Rome *

A New York woman was at her East Side hairdresser's getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser who responded, "Why would anyone want to go to Rome ? It's crowded and dirty and, worse yet, full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome".
"So how are you getting there ?"
"We're flying Continental", was the reply. "We got a good rate".
"Continental", exclaimed the hairdresser, "that's a terrible airline. Their planes are old. Their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late".
"So, where are you staying in Rome ?", asked the hairdresser.
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left side called Teste...."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive but it's really a dump - the worst hotel in the whole city ! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're way overpriced".
"So, whatcha doing when you get there ?", quizzed the hairdresser.
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we are hoping to see the Pope".
"That's rich", laughed the hairdresser, "you and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're sure going to need it".
A month later, the woman, all smiling, came in for her hair appointment. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was absolutely wonderful", explained the woman, "not only did we arrive on time in one of Continental's brand new jets but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28-year old steward who waited on me hand and foot".
"And the hotel - it was fabulous ! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's just a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge".
"Well,… muttered the hairdresser, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope".
"Actually, we were quite lucky because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me".
"Sure enough, five minutes later, the Holy Father walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me".
"Really ?" asked the hairdresser, "What'd he say ?"
He said, "Where did you get that crappy hairdo ?"

* Time *

Spending too much time on the computer ?
Here are some commom indicators:
1. You accidentally enter your computer password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get ''long-service to the company'' awards.
AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE...
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your friends.
15. You got this e-mail from a friend who never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No. 9.
18. AND NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING at yourself.
Finally:
19. You've read this before.

* Comedian *

Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question and if you get it right you don't have to go to school on Monday.
The first Friday the question was, "How many gallons of water is there in the whole world ?"
No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday.
Next Friday, the question was, "How many grains of sand is there in the whole world ?"
No one knew so they had to go to school on Monday.
By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn't want to go to school on Monday.
So he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the two black ping-pong balls up to her.
She said, "Who is the comedian with two black balls ?"
Little Johnny said, "Bill Cosby, see you on Tuesday"…

* Xmas angel *

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa ?"
And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

* Portland Fair *

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine.
Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said:
- "Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane".
And every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs".
So Stumpy says "By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old. If I don't go this time I may nevah go".
Martha replies "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs".
So the pilot overhears them and says "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars".
They agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.
He does it one more time, still nothing. So he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't".
And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out, but ten dollahs is ten dollahs !"

* Blind pilot *

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle.
The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off !"